Concentration

I'm amazed at how much effort it takes for me to concentrate on something. It's odd that the act of concentrating has become a conscious effort instead of something that comes automatically. I am constantly having to remind myself what my tasks are and staying on task. I've been trying to play some golf with my husband and after about four holes my concentration is gone as well as my game.......that's not saying I had a great game to begin with......but it certainly goes down hill after that. I can't remember how many shots I've made (which might be a good thing!) or even where I am aiming.

That's rather frustrating.

Bad Days

It's been awhile since I've had what I consider a "bad day". But this week I did. I usually don't go out much in the afternoon because I do better in the morning. I had a doctor's appointment at 2:30 on Monday and I decided since I was going to be out I would try to run a couple of errands before going to the appointment. Well, I should have thought about that before doing it. Going out in the stores later in the day for me is not good. There are just too many people and I get confused too much. Needless to say I was very frustrated. I needed to go about two miles from my last errand to the doctor and it took me over an hour to get there. I was just so confused I couldn't make it from point A to point B in a rational way. I called my husband several times for help, but he was not reachable by phone. It is always odd that I know enough to call him for assistance but that I can't get to where I'm going. Although, something that did change this time is, that I know that I can always call other people for assistance, but I couldn't do that on Monday. That thought was not something that even entered my mind, until after the episode was over.

When I finally arrived at the doctor's office (half an hour late) I had forms to fill out since I had not been to that particular doctor in awhile. And, of course, that was a big challenge. I had lots of blanks on the form because I just could not answer the simplest of questions. It's so frustrating.

I was glad to see Monday come to an end.

Some Good Things

Yesterday, our Memory Walk Committee held their first meeting for Team Captains. The turn out was great -- it is the third year we have done this and it was great to see how the event has grown. I've been on the committee for two years but stepped away this year because it was a little much for me. But I am so proud of what everyone has done, how the committee has expanded and all the things they have accomplished. I feel bad I didn't do more -- but I know they are on the right track and I am so happy. I really feel like we can meet our goal of raising $50,000 this year.

I also got a call from someone that had been at a recent meeting discussing clinical trials and some other things that have been doing on in the research field for Alzheimer's. Although I don't want to get too excited because I have had my hopes dashed before, it appears there are now twelve different drugs in final clinical trial stages that have the potential to slow the progression of the disease down or prevent it all together --- wouldn't that be some wonderful news. It's still a few years off but if I can hold out a little longer perhaps it can do me some good. I'll certainly be keeping my eyes on that!

Elizabeth Taylor

I don't know if you saw the news stories lately about Elizabeth Taylor having Alzheimer's. Each week, I get news stories emailed to me by Google that have to do with Alzheimer's and last week there were many stories about Elizabeth Taylor having Early stage Alzheimer's. These stories came from lots of newspapers, not just tabloids, but I don't know their sources.

Anyway, Ms. Taylor then went on Larry King Live and proclaimed that she did not have Alzheimer's. Her interview probably did not affect you the way it did me but I was very upset with it. She claimed on the show "do I look like I have Alzheimer's? Do I look like I'm dying, do I sound like someone who has Alzheimer's?" Just what is someone suppose to "look like" when they have Alzheimer's? Ms. Taylor -- I don't "look like" I have Alzheimer's either -- but I do. I'm not ashamed of it -- it's a disease and I have it. Her attitude about this disease is what we must all fight -- people have to deal with it just like all other kinds of diseases.

Can you see this bothered me? I hope others are bothered by it as well.

Back To "Normal"

As I write this my son is heading back to California. It was nice to have him here for ten days. I really miss him when he goes back. We had a great time getting to play some golf and tennis. Since my concentration is not that good anymore I'm not that much fun to play with, but he played with me and I at least enjoyed myself.

Yesterday we went to a Braves game. It was a long day for me. To make matters worse my husband was driving and he has a severe case of road rage and it upsets me greatly. I couldn't go to the airport with him today when he took Alan because I couldn't be in the car with him again so soon. I get really agitated when he has one of his rages and he knows it --he just doesn't do anything to control it. Because I knew that it always happens I asked him if he even wanted to go to the game (he doesn't like baseball that much) and if he did that I couldn't tolerate the "road rage" so if he went with us he had to keep it under control. Obviously that didn't happen. I can't change him, so I'm going to have to change the way I get around. I've missed out on many things I want to do because I can't be in the car with him. Around our town it isn't so bad because I can still get some places by myself. It's harder when I need to go somewhere out of town.....but I'll figure it out.

My son made a couple of changes on this website. If you notice at the left, there is a link to this year's Memory Walk and a link to his blog.

Now I need to get back into my routine and I'll feel a whole lot better.

Laughter

I realize when my son comes home to visit how much I miss laughter. When he is home we laugh all the time....at silly things....at life in general.....and even at ourselves. I don't do that as much when he is not around. I think I used to.....but not so much now. Life really is too short not to laugh -- even if it is at our own expense.

Busy

Alan's home so I have been busy. We've been trying to play golf as he lugged his clubs here from California so we thought we should put them to use. My concentration isn't what it used to be so after about five holes I'm "done in for". But, at least I'm out there trying and getting some exercise.

We are off to relax in the mountains for a couple of days. More soon.

Changes

My husband has been retired for about two weeks now. He still thinks he is on vacation, but having him around all the time is starting to take a toll on me. Although I have been trying to get out of the house when I can, having another body around the house all the time is just hard on me.

We've discussed the problems that I was going to face and how we can help to change the environment a bit. We just haven't done anything about it and I guess it is time. I've proposed some changes as far as making a "quiet room" for me. The constant noise of the television being on all the time is really bothering me. Having that extra noise in the house is very tiring. Luckily, my husband isn't real needy and isn't a big conversationalist but I still feel the need to be somewhat engaging when someone else is in the house.....always having to be "on" if you will.

I haven't had to deal with that much since I have retired -- a few days on the weekend -- but then I would have Monday through Friday to get back into a routine. The routine is certainly missing now that there is another person in the house. I don't feel like I can carry on my regular routine with someone around. I guess I'll have to get over that. I've been pretty good about getting up and going to the gym in the mornings and a few other things that I regularly do, but when someone else is around it is just different.

I know it has only been a couple of weeks, but it is probably time to make some changes. It is nice knowing someone is around in case I need some help, which on some days is more than others. I'm just not very good with change these days.

The Weekend

Hope all the mother's out there reading this had a great Mother's Day. I got enjoy watching some college tennis on the UGA campus. The Georgia men are now headed to Stanford for next weeks NCAA tennis tournament. I wish the tourney was being held in Athens (as it often is) because I enjoy watching -- but next year it will be back here and we'll get to enjoy seeing the best in the country play. They make it look so easy!

My son will be home on Saturday. He has two exams this week. I'm hoping he'll help me change a few things on this blog as it is getting a little boring!

On Saturday I went to Atlanta to help film a Memory Walk video for the Georgia Alzheimer's Association. They are putting this together for potential sponsors of the walk. I hope it works -- we need support and anything we can do to get it will help. I've already started raising money for the walk so you will probably be hearing from me shortly -- although our walk isn't until November. Need to raise it when I can!

My husband's retirement is going o.k. I think that he still feels like he is on vacation since it hasn't even been two weeks yet. We have managed to "stay out of each other's way" pretty well so far. It is different having him home though. I realize all the little things I have to adjust to by having someone else in the house all day. Plus, he hurt his back last week and hasn't been able to move around a lot so he has been kind of laying around the house these days. I hope his back gets better before Alan comes home so we can play some golf or tennis.

I've written enough for now -- more soon -- I promise!

Happy Mother's Day

to all my friends out there. My son will be home next week so that will be a nice present for me.

It's easy to take our kids for granted. Sometimes it is hard to see them for the individuals they are. They'll always be our "children" regardless of how old they are.

I think the saying "you don't appreciate your parents until you have children of your own" is true. I wish I would have learned that earlier.

Tennis Part II

My husband and I played our second tennis match on the little league I was telling you about a few weeks ago. Rain in our area has forced us to cancel a couple of matches so we are a little behind. I did a little better last night -- we still lost but we had a good match and it could have gone either way. I still am walking around the court like a zombie most of the time, because I can't remember the score and can't remember who is serving. I get into the point and my concentration is only on the point and nothing else. My husband has a bad habit of not saying the score when he serves so I am having to ask him constantly what the score is. He says it shouldn't matter what it is -- which is true because you should try to win every point and not play according to the score. However, it is bad tennis etiquette not to say the score for everyone's behalf. We had to play three sets and I held it together for that long, so I'm scoring a personal victory for holding on!

We are suppose to play another match this week -- we'll see how that goes.

My son will be home from law school in a couple of weeks. I saw him about six weeks ago but it seems like a lot longer than that. I really miss him being here -- do we ever get over that as parents?

Retirement Part II

Well, it is official, my husband is now retired. There was a small party for him at the lab and it was so nice. Everyone was so gracious and Ralph gave a very nice talk at the end. That is not something he likes to do but I was very proud of him. I know how hard that must have been for him. We took some photos and I'll post some as soon as he takes them out of the camera.

I gave him some golf lessons as a retirement present. I hope he'll feel a little better about his swing after a few lessons. He just needs to play more. Now he has the time to do that. I just need to find some other people for him to play with besides me.

Adjustment time is ahead.....for both of us.

Retirement

My husband retires on Wednesday after spending 40 years with the US Government. He certainly deserves it and I'm happy for him. But at the same time I'm pretty depressed about it. I feel guilty for saying that because it is selfish of me to think that way.

I'm used to having the house to myself, it is quiet all day long and I don't have to answer to anyone. Having another person in the house makes me tired. I started realizing several months ago how tired I was on Monday mornings and finally realized that I was more tired because there was more going on during the weekends with Ralph home and more was expected of me. I had to actually participate in conversations and keep up with more. Mentally, that is a lot for me.

Ralph knows that some adjustments are going to have to be made. From both of us. I really don't know any couples that haven't had to go through some adjustments during the retirement stage.

It will be a few weeks before Ralph really feels like he is retired, as it will seem like a vacation for awhile. Reality will eventually set in and hopefully we'll be ready for it.

Friends

I met an old friend for lunch this week. I've know her for about 10 years and we don't get together very often which is a shame. It had been about 8 or 9 months since we last saw each other and I was feeling pretty guilty about that. I hate that I let so much time slip by since we last saw each other. An occasional email and card were sent but it is so much better to get together. So this week we met and it was as if no time had passed at all. We picked up right where we left off and that is one of the great things about friends.

On the other hand, there are those friendships that you really have to work at. I'm not real sure why that is, but some take more effort than others. I've tried to evaluate whether those people are really friends or people that I know better than just acquaintances -- but I guess it doesn't really matter. If they are worth having in your life, they are worth working on.

Friends and family make the world go 'round -- don't forget that.

Cognitive Fatigue

Several months ago I wrote in this blog about a friend who had a terrible skiing accident in Denver. He suffered quite a few broken bones, lost sight in one of his eyes and took a pretty good blow to his head. As a result he has been through a long journey and still has a long way to go. He is out of the hospital now and into a rehabilitation situation. I spent some time today with his fiance who is back in Athens getting ready to graduate from UGA. I've been keeping up with his progress and realized early on that Brad was experiencing a lot of similar things that I experience as far as his brain injury is concerned. It will be a long time before they actually know the extent of Brad's brain injury but some of the problems he is experiencing now are all too familiar to me.

In talking with Lauren today we talked about how tired Brad gets and his doctor's have termed this as "cognitive fatigue" -- basically you brain gets tired. I have often told people that I get so tired and the only explanation I have for it is "it's like taking a final exam for eight hours and you are mentally exhausted". I guess now I can say it is "cognitive fatigue" --that sounds much better don't you think?

Some of Brad's other symptoms that are like mine are getting frustrated and agitated easily, not remembering the right words for things and dealing with emotion. I guess when the brain is "injured" however that might come about a lot of the same symptons occur. Lauren and I discussed how far the medical world has come on so many things but when it comes to the brain we seem to be miles behind.....or maybe it just seems that way. There are probably a lot of other people thinking the same thing about the diseases that they have.

Brad and his family are on a long road to recovery.....to me it is so much harder on the families and you all know how I feel about that. To me, that's the hardest part of having this disease, what it does to my family. My best to Brad, Lauren and the rest of his family -- they have certainly shown a great deal of love and support to him and he will need more as the days and months and years progress.

This and That

It's been a busy week with the golf tournament and all. I made it through my first day of "marshalling" a hole yesterday and have two more days of that. The weather didn't cooperate the first part of the day so we ran about two hours behind. All in all though I think it is goin pretty well. Because of the weather delay I was on the course much longer than I thought I would and toward the end I was making a lot of mental mistakes because I was tired. The mistakes weren't so bad that it messed up a player, just did some things that I wouldn't have necessarily done if I hadn't been so tired and "over extended" is probably a good word for it.

I've seen a lot of people volunteering at the tournament I haven't seen for a long time. Many of them I can't remember their names which is frustrating and I'm probably not remembering some of them at all. But at least I'm out there.

They've treated the volunteers extremely well with appreciation. They have also been feeding us every day and since we are a country club it is country club food, not just sandwiches. I've tried to stay on my diet the best I could but the food is pretty tempting. One thing they had one day this week was fried chicken. I haven't had fried chicken in probably well over a year because of my diet, but I had a piece this week and it was like heaven! I think I even had a dream about it that night. That's pretty pathetic isn't it?

Golf

One of the sponsors of our Memory Walk here in Athens last year was one of our hospitals. This week they are hosting the Nationwide Tour of the PGA. So, I decided to volunteer to work since they were good to us last year.

It's been fun watching the players. It makes you want to go play some more. I was hoping that by osmosis that at the end of the week I would play better, but that probably isn't going to happen! I've been working on the driving range for two days and tomorrow I will be working on a hole as the tournament begins. I suppose when Ralph retires in a few weeks, we'll be playing much more golf. I used to play pretty well, but my concentration isn't what it used to be and that means I don't play real well now. But at least I get out and get some exercise and enjoy the outdoors. As many people have said, golf is kind of like a walk in the park chasing a little white ball.

Tennis

I can't remember a time when I didn't play tennis. I taught myself very young. I've always been a tomboy and when my brothers wouldn't let me play baseball with them when I was young, I got a tennis racket and would hit tennis balls endlessly against a wall, near the baseball field so I could be close to my brothers and all the action that was going on. My mom used to tell the story that my brothers wouldn't let me play baseball with them because I would turn cartwheels in the outfield.

So I played a lot of tennis. Sports for girls in high school were virtually non-existent at that time so I never really played on a "team" until my adult life.

This all brings me to my tennis match today. My husband signed us up to play in this mixed doubles league. I have made it my practice to not play mixed doubles with my husband because it never seems to work out. I play to win -- he plays for fun. However, I said yes, and we started our league play today.

The first set was fine -- we lost 7-5 but it was very competitive. Then I lost it. My concentration was shot, I put my earplugs in to help block out some of the noise. I couldn't remember the score, I couldn't remember who was serving and I couldn't remember the last point. I started having panic attacks and couldn't breathe. I was so confused and so upset I started crying on the court before we started the second set. Our opponents didn't see this (I don't think) but suffice it to say we never won another game. I disappointed myself, but also my husband -- although he hasn't said that -- I just feel that.

I think I have now become a person who "doesn't play tennis" but rather a person that can go out and "hit the ball" for an hour or so and let it go at that.

So many other things that I have lost the ability to do, do not bother me as much as this. Tennis has been a part of my life for over 40 years. I've always been that self proclaimed "tennis snob" but I guess I won't be any longer. I'm sure my tennis playing friends reading this will be rejoicing at that fact.

We still have five matches to go in our league and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through them or if I will be able to do it at all.

My husband has commented from time to time that I was always defined by what I did -- mainly by the jobs I have had over the years. He worried that when I retired I would have a hard time, because I wouldn't be known for something. I've always had relatively high profile jobs and he really felt that is what defined me. It probably did sometimes. But, I have always defined myself in many ways and one thing I was always proud to say was that "I was a tennis player".

I guess I no longer am. And that makes me very sad.

A little slack

I know I have been a little slack lately in writing in this blog. Sometimes I just can't think of what to write without boring all of you. I've been working on a lot of projects and a few are coming to an end which will free up some of my time. I was involved with a banquet this past Tuesday night which took a little more out of me than I thought it would. But I have had a few days to rest up before I tackle something else.

I hope everyone has a great Easter weekend. The weather down here in the south is suppose to be 84 degrees over the weekend. Tennis and golf weather it is.

I'll try to do better in the coming weeks about posting here.

Spring

The pollen has certainly made its presence known in the south. The green stuff is all over the place and people are sneezing all the time. The beauty of the trees, flowers and plants though somehow make it worth it.

The spring makes me look forward to lots of things.....playing more tennis and golf and just being outside. It is getting more difficult for me to play tennis and golf though as my concentration is not what it used to be. But at least I can still get outside and get some fresh air. I'm also looking forward to my son coming home next month. He'll have completed his first year at law school at Stanford and he'll be home for a short break before heading back out to California for a summer job. I cherish the time I have with him.

And, this week is my 26th wedding anniversary. I hate that my husband doesn't have brighter days to look forward to knowing that my illness will certainly affect his life more than mine.

Speaking My Mind

For those of you that have known me for awhile you know that I have always been one to "say what was on my mind". Sometimes that got me into trouble, but for me, what else is new? So, what I am about to write will seem like a shock to you.

I'm having an increasingly difficult time saying the words that pop into my mind. I know exactly what I want to say but I can't put the words together to make it mean what I want it to mean. Yesterday, I was having a lunch meeting with some of the women on the Memory Walk committee for this year, and it seemed like every point I was trying to get across didn't come across the way I wanted it to. I think they were able to get some things I was saying, but after the meeting I felt really bad because I know I must have sounded like an idiot at times.

I'm also working with a national committee for a national Alzheimer's conference in Atlanta this fall. Our work includes going over abstracts for speakers. Since the committee is comprised of people from all over the country we are having conference calls to narrow the field of the speakers. I have a difficult time working over the phone anyway, but to have lots of different voices coming at me makes it extremely difficult. Then the lack of me being able to put sentences together to mean what I really want to say intimidates me so I end up being more silent than I feel I should be. (What a shocker that is!) I feel inadequate and very useless to the whole process when I can't contribute what I want.

I've said before that this disease makes me feel stupid and when I encounter days like yesterday I do feel stupid. I know that I'm not stupid, but it's hard not to feel that way.

Having come from a journalism background as a tv news reporter and writer for many different publications this becomes increasingly frustrating. Communications has also been something I thought I did pretty well. Since being diagnosed I have wanted to write a book, but I know that I couldn't do that without a lot of help. I haven't found that help yet, so I guess for now this journal is the best I can do.....and I'm not really sure how good that is when I go back and read some of the posts I've written. Thank you for reading anyway.

Reality

You know the feeling when you are on vacation and near the end of your vacation time you realize that it is going to be over soon and you'll be back to "reality". Even though I'm retired, I still feel that way when I go away. But since being back from Illinois I hadn't really thought that way until yesterday. That's when the old brain decided to act up more than usual and I suddenly come back to that dreaded feeling I get when I think about this disease. On good days I rarely think about it -- but when it rears its ugly head there's no denying it.

On another front for "reality" -- in about three weeks my husband retires. I know I have mentioned it before, but I think I have put it out of my mind. What a change for him and definitely a change for me. Having someone around the house all the time is going to definitely be hard. My husband has a hard time being in the house without noise. He has to have the television or the radio on. I can't function like that -- there is never a tv or radio or anything that produces noise on during the day when I am home alone. We will definitely be created a "no noise" room for me to escape to. It will certainly be different for everyone. My husband has worked for over 40 years in his job and he deserves to retire and we deserve to be able to do things while we still can. But an adjustment to the way we live our lives is definitely around the corner.

DNA

I'm participating in a study with the Medical College of Georgia. It basically is asking me and my blood family members for a couple of vials of blood for a study on genetic testing for Alzheimer's. I have two brothers -- both older than me. My oldest brother will not take part in the study. The excuses are pretty lame and it bothers me a great deal that he refuses to take part. It's just a couple of vials of blood and you have to answer a few questions.

I'm glad I don't need a kidney from him.

Back from Illinois

I returned home last night from my visit with my brothers and family. My cold got better, but I managed to give it to Alan. After he left me, he and his girlfriend Jennifer went to Lake Tahoe skiing. He called me from the slopes to tell me I had passed it along. I'm sure I told him "it is a nice thing to share". Mind you -- he still had the energy to ski!

It was nice visiting everyone -- but of course it is always nice to get home as well. I certainly couldn't have done that trip alone -- I think those days are over for me -- at least maneuvering my way around Chicago on the buses and the EL. Alan and I managed to see some friends, go to the Art Institute of Chicago, the Adler Planetarium and Navy Pier. It was cold and windy -- what else do you get in Chicago?

I wish my family lived closer or vice versa. I always hated that Alan really never got to know his cousins very well. Being an only child it would have been nice for him.

Vacation Time

As I write this I am in Peoria, IL visiting my family for a few days. Over the weekend I spent time in Chicago with my son. We had some fun exploring Chicago and visiting with our friends Pody and Rick from Champaign. Pody gave us a wonderful trip to the Art Insitute of Chicago by providing lots of information about the paintings. She is an art history professor so I wouldn't expect anything less from her! We got to visit her daughter's apartment in Chicago (Rachel is an attorney in Chicago, but was out of town), we went to Second City, Navy Pier, and the Adler Planetarium. It was nice to be just be a "tourist" for awhile. On Monday, Alan and I hopped a two hour train to Bloomington where we were met by my brother, his wife and my nephew for dinner before heading on to Peoria.

The bad part about the trip so far is that I developed a cold the first day and some things I had planned for the trip I didn't do because I didn't have the energy and just didn't feel like it. So, while in Peoria, I'm trying to take it easy so I can get to feeling a little better. Plus, I'm extremely tired from the trip and some parts of it are harder than they should be.

However, being around family is nice. I don't see them often enough.

More when I return.

Spring?

Well, the calendar says it is spring, but the weather doesn't feel like it now. A few weeks ago the temperatures were in the 70's and now we are lucky to get out of the 50's.

But I'm plunging into colder temps as I travel this weekend to Chicago to meet my son for spring break. It's always cold in Chicago during fall, winter and spring. And, the forecast calls for snow flurries. Then we are taking a train to Peoria to meet with my family. Alan will then head back out to the west coast and I'll spend a few more days visiting with my relatives. My friends Pody and Rick (that we saw in England) will be joining us for a day in Chicago and Alan will catch up with a high school buddy that lives in Chicago now. Lots to do, lots of people to see. I just need to pace myself and try to get some rest when I can.

I know I'll have some interesting stories when I return. I promise.

Slow Weekend

It is nice to have a "slow" weekend. Not a lot on my plate and I need the rest. I enjoy watching the basketball tournament -- both men and women's -- although I get confused a little when they keep switching back and forth between games.

Next week, I'll be off to spend a few days with Alan and my family in the midwest. It has been awhile since I have been up there and it is always good to see how everyone is and how big some of the children in my family have gotten. I wish we lived closer so we could visit more often. There never seems to be enough time to do a lot of things I'd like.

Spring is officially tomorrow. I wish the weather here in Georgia felt like it.

Life in the Fast Lane

Well, yesterday I had a "once in a lifetime experience". A professional group I still belong to had a "field trip" to Talladega Speedway in Alabama. Although I knew it was going to be a long day and it would take me awhile to recover I thought that it was really something I wanted to do. Not being a real fan of racing, I wasn't too sure about our excursion -- but it was great.

Talladega is much larger than I thought it was going to be and we got to ride around the track at 120 MPH! That was really awesome. The slope on the turns is 34 degrees and it felt pretty amazing. Now the real race car drivers go at 195 and they are just inches apart at times while racing --that is pretty scary to me. Considering there were only two cars on the track when I was on it and it was scary, I cannot imagine what that must feel like.

I guess I don't have the natural urge for the "need for speed".

Ghosts

One symptom of Alzheimer's can be hallucinations. I have never really had them, but I do hear things. The things I hear are not voices but "sounds that don't belong" -- like a door slamming when it shouldn't be or a car honking its horn when there are no cars around.

Quite frequently I hear a door in our house slam. I am usually in the back part of the house when I hear this and go out to see if my husband may have come in and I didn't hear his car pull up. But no, when I go look he is not home and there is no one hear but me and the cats. And, the door that I swear I hear slam is already shut and I knew it was all day long. I've mentioned this several times to my husband because it is so annoying but he always tells me not to worry about it -- it is probably a sound coming from the neighbor's house and it just sounds like it is coming for our house. So, I haven't mentioned it in awhile.

This weekend, our son was in Atlanta spending the night and expected to arrive home around noon on Sunday morning. At around 5:00 a.m. my husband "heard a door slam" and woke me up when I heard him say "Alan is home". When I looked at the clock, I knew there was no way Alan would be coming in at 5:00 a.m. when he was spending the night in Atlanta. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. My husband did not hear Alan come in or go to his room so he got up and went to look in the garage to see if the car was there. Alan was not home -- Ralph was "just hearing my noises"! I told him that it was the exact same sound I would hear during the day and how annoying it was. He was convinced someone had slammed that door. Now his explanation is "maybe we have ghosts"!

A New Photo

Many of you have been asking me to post a new photo of my son. Since he was home this weekend I thought it would be a good opportunity. It's not the best photo in the world and maybe when I see him in a few weeks in Chicago we can do better.

My hair is a lot longer and in this photo it isn't curled so it looks a bit straggly. Many of you have never seen my hair that long. I decided to start letting it grow about a year and a half ago. Since I wasn't working everyday and didn't have to spend a lot of time on it everyday, I thought I would try it. It has been well over thirty years since I have had any length to my hair. Some say it is because I turned 50 and this is my "mid-life crisis" -- if so, I say great -- since that isn't much of a "crisis" to me. It's surprising that a lot of folks don't recognize me with long hair, but sometimes that can be a blessing, because I don't remember them so then I don't feel so awkward!

Alan is safely back in Palo Alto facing a full day of classes. It was certainly nice to have him home. Now back to the routine!

The weekend

Well, it is just Saturday afternoon but it has already been a long weekend. My husband and I just got back from Augusta where I spoke at a conference for the Alzheimer's Association for caregivers. Everyone was so nice and very attentive when I spoke. I have said before that it seems like good therapy for me when I do this and I hope in some small way I am able to help others. The group was great and so very gracious. I appreciate being asked to speak because I have no idea how long I'll be able to continue to do it. It's tiring but it is so worth it. There are a lot of people out there fighting for us that -- it is the least I can do for now. Thanks to Kathy and Kimberly for asking me to be a part of the conference.

My son is off to Atlanta for the tribute to his friend that passed away. It has been hard for me as a parent, as it is for most parents, I suspect, that you hurt when your children hurt. Losing a friend at such a young age is tough. Adam was a special individual and did more in his short life than many will do in their entire lifetime. His parents should be proud and I know that those in his life are much better off by having Adam as a friend.

Alan will be leaving to go back to California tomorrow and the house will be much quieter. But I hate to see him go. I just get used to him being around and he is off again. In a few weeks, though, we will be in Chicago together for a few days and getting to visit with friends and family. That will be nice.

The Week

Well, it has certainly taken me longer to rest up from Little Rock than it should have. It has just been hard for me to get up these days. Although, the doctor gave me a new sleeping pill a couple of weeks ago -- maybe it is starting to work!

I have a speech to give this weekend. It is in Augusta at an Education conference for caregivers. I haven't spoken for awhile so I hope I do o.k. When I go, I usually take two versions of a speech with me -- one that is totally written out and then one that is just notes. Depending on what kind of a day I am having will determine whether or not I have to read it or I can wing it from notes. Not sure what kind of day Saturday will be. I always hope that I can leave folks with a little something that they didn't already know, but at times it seems like I am "preaching to the choir" since many have been associated with this disease much longer than I have.

Last night on NBC news they spoke to a gentleman that had early stage Alzheimer's. That gentleman was in Washington DC at the Public Policy Forum with me for a couple of years. He seems to still be doing pretty well. I haven't seen him in about a year. I hope I can say that in another year.

My son will be home tonight to attend his friend's memorial service this weekend. It will be nice to have him home, although I wish it was under better circumstances.

Coming/Going Home

Well, I came home from Little Rock in one piece. Our team lost in the semi-finals and we were not real happy about that. The trip back was long due to construction, but it is nice to be home.

My son is coming home this week. He is coming home for a memorial service for his friend Adam. (See post below). Adam's death saddens me so much. My heart goes out to his family and friends because it is such a tragic loss. I guess Adam has "gone home" too.

More Sad News

Well, as I write this I am in Little Rock Arkansas -- the women are winning and that is a good thing. I've finally figured out how to get the computer to work while I am here.

But driving over to Little Rock on Thursday, I got a call from my son in California. He had been notified that one of his best friends and former room mate at Georgia Tech had been found dead in his apartment in Atlanta. His name was Adam Stevens. Adam had taken a job with a company in Norcross (outside of Atlanta) after he graduated so he and Alan were able to stay connected. He traveled a lot for business and he recently returned from a two week business trip to India. Adam evidently died upon his return because he didn't contact his office when he returned and they sent someone looking for him and his body was found. Foul play is not suspected, nor is drugs or alcohol. Alan told me that Adam had a thyroid problem but he didn't think it was life threatening. It is so sad to lose someone so young. He was in his early 20's. In high school my son had a friend that was killed in a car accident and one friend was murdered. When I was growing up I didn't have to experience the death of any friends, just family. That is hard on young people. It is such a shame. An autopsy will be done on Adam's body to determine the cause of death. I feel so bad for his parents and for his friends.

Life is so precious.

On The Road Again

I'm back on the road this weekend -- to watch the UGA Women's basketball team play in the SEC tournament in Little Rock Arkansas. My husband isn't going with me -- I'm going with three other ladies and we are driving out there. I'm a little anxious about it because I don't travel well these days. I feel more comfortable when my husband is with me -- but all of these ladies are my friends and they understand my situation. I'm fortunate to have friends that still want to go places with me!

I hope we are gone for several days because that means we are winning!

Change

I think I have mentioned in this blog many times how I don't do well with change these days. Routine is what I need but lately a lot of things have been changing. So far, I've not done too bad -- a bad day here and there but for the most part, not too awful.

My doctor once told me that she felt that it wasn't change affecting me as much as it was the "unknown" -- not knowing what was going to happen. If the change was planned I did better. I hope this makes sense.

I guess there will be a true test in a couple of months when my husband retires. May 3rd is his last day of working for Uncle Sam. He certainly deserves it....he has worked there for forty years and it is the only job he has ever had. It will be difficult adjusting to that change....both for him and me.

On the Go

I told you last week we went to Nashville for a women's basketball game. Well, this week I went with the team to Arkansas for a game with the University of Arkansas. We flew over one night and returned the next night after the game. It was a long day but we won and that is a good thing. Next weekend I am off to Little Rock Arkansas for the women's SEC basketball tournament. I get really tired on these trips and I'm not real good company. Luckily, I have friends that drag me along and don't care if I can carry on a decent conversation! The weekend after that Ralph and I will be going to Augusta where I have a speech to give at an Alzheimer's conference. Those trips are harder on me because I actually have to do things, and it brings the realization of this disease out more. I talk about it with others and there always seems to be great conversation -- that's a good thing I guess.

I've gone back and looked at some recent posts and I realize that there are alot of mistakes in them. I guess I need to figure out how to use spell check on this blog, but I also realize that when I have written these posts, I have been extrememly tired. My brain doesn't work so well when I'm tired.

Thanks, Roger, for your comments. I look forward to meeting you in a few weeks.

Snow and cold

Ralph and I went on a bus trip this past weekend to Nashville to watch the UGA Women's Basketball team play Vanderbilt. I kept watching the weather all last week and Nashville and the lower Tennessee area was suppose to get a lot of freezing rain and snow. I was a little concerned going over the mountains to get to Nashville, but in talking with the bus company they said it was the driver's call on whether to go or not, so I figured that if the bus driver thought he could do it he would. And he did, the weather wasn't as bad as predicted I don't think but it was cold -- 11 degrees in Nashville. And, there was snow on the ground. It was nice to see snow.....I miss it sometimes living in the south. And, of course, all of you know that I miss ice skating even more!

The best part of the weekend is that we won the basketball game. We needed win. Now I have to rest for a few days. That took a lot out of me!

The Week

It's been a busy week and this weekend we are going to Nashville to watch a women's basketball game. There was a game last night and our team lost in a heartbreaker. I do enjoy going to the games but sometimes they can be rough on me. If I'm not rested it is hard and the noise is overwhelming sometimes. Last night I forgot my ear plugs so it was particularly hard. And, what made is worse is that we lost.

Life and Death

Last night I went to a memorial service for a man who had taken his life at the early age of 48. He was married to a friend of mine. It was so sad. They have a son that is just a couple of years older than my son and he is due to be married this summer. What a shame his father will not be by his side. At the service they played a Travis Tritt song that was dedicated to the sone -- I think the name of it was "I See Me" and the song was about a man describing his son and the son not having fallen far from the apple tree.

I think about my son and my husband. They are a lot a like and then they aren't. I worry about not being with my son on his wedding day -- at least maybe not mentally. And it bothers me -- so we have to be sure to cherish the time we do have with our family.

My heart goes out to my firend and her family.

People and Things

My memory is getting so much worse. I have been losing lots of things around the house. I just can't seem to remember where I put things and I'll put things in very weird places. It's so frustrating. Yesterday, I was re-organizing all of my scrapbooking stuff and kept losing track of things. I combined a lot of things to cut down on the clutter and then couldn't remember doing it.

And, I'm not recognizing people. I know some people look at me like I should know them and they don't say anything. I rationalize it by telling myself that because I am wearing my hair longer that people don't recognize me -- therefore they don't say anything -- but I have a strong feeling it is the other way around -- they are looking at me, realize I don't recognize them and then don't say anything. It's that stare they give me, that tells me that I should know who they are.

How frustrating.

Dreams

I have had a very hard time sleeping these past few months. Not exactly sure why -- but I find myself a few steps behind everyone during the day from being tired. Besides that I have had weird dreams when I do sleep. In the mornings I can usually figure out why I had the dream, but certainly not the meaning of it. Last night I dreamed that I was in a cage on display at a circus type event and underneath it said "Has Alzheimer's Disease". I hope people didn't pay a lot to see that!

Friends....

are great to have. I know I have written in this blog about how important friends are in my life -- now more than ever. But, I worry about not being a good enough friend back. Several friends I have are carrying big burdens of their own and I don't feel like I am there for them the way they have been for me. What am I doing about it? Not much right now. Some of their burdens I can't carry with them right now for various reasons, but it doesn't mean that I'm not there with them and appreciating what they are going through. I've tried to help the best I can, but I'm not sure that is good enough. I'm going to have to change that. To all of my friends out there -- thank you -- I do appreciate you!

Feeling Helpless

I'm having one of those days where I just feel helpless. Not helpless as far as myself goes, but in being able to help others. In my post on January 18th, I wrote about my friend's fiancee. Tomorrow he faces a huge surgery and I'm very concerned about him. You can read about him here http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/inputSiteName.do?method=search&siteName=bradplain. Please keep him in your prayers and thoughts, tomorrow is a big day. I feel helpless in there isn't much I can do for my friend Lauren. I guess it bothers me much more because she and Brad are about the same age as Alan. But, they are strong and they will get through this one way or another. I wish I could help.

It is also times like this that I wish I was doing more to help others. I sometimes don't go out of the house for days and wonder why I am wasting my time. I need to change my ways.

Bad days

Well, I had one of my bad days today -- and it is barely noon!

Just about every morning I get up and go work out at the gym. It's about 1 1/2 miles away from our house. And, every morning I go to the gym the same way. This morning, though, instead of turning right out of my driveway I turned left. You can get to the gym by going left it just takes a little longer. But, when I realized that I wasn't going the "right way" to the gym, I became extremely disoriented and lost. I could not figure out how to get to the gym. So I drove back home and started all over, went the correct way out of the driveway and got to the gym.

After going to the gym I decided to stop at Wal-Mart and pick up one item. I drove down to Wal-Mart and when I walked in the store I realized that all kinds of things had been moved around and there were thirty or forty carts filled with merchandise that the employees were rearranging. I immediately had a panic attack -- because what I was seeing was "not right" -- it wasn't the same way it was in my head and I didn't know what to do. I froze in place. I literally could not move my feet. It was like I was scared of something. The only other time I felt like that was when I was in Arizona climbing some rocks and I saw a rattlesnake. I was so terrified I could not move. Back to Wal-Mart. I did my deep breathing exercises and tried to relax. I relaxed enough that I could walk right back out of the store and go home. I usually have a problem going into Wal Mart anyway -- it is sensory overload to me. About the only time I can go is between 6 and 7 in the morning when it is relatively quiet and there are not many people around -- but obviously not today!

By now, I should realize when these things happen to me I just need to come home and stay at home. But, I had a long list of things to do and after getting settled down a bit I looked over the list and crossed a few things off to save for another day. I decided to try a couple more places. Back to the car and off to the Post Office.

When I was in the Post Office two people came up to me and were talking to me. They both called me by name and chatted to me as if we were long lost friends, but I have no idea who they were or how they knew me. I am always embarassed to ask people who they are but I shouldn't be. Recognizing people and remembering things about them has always been something I could do. My husband thinks that these might have been people that I have met recently therefore I can't remember them as easily. It is so frustrating because this is something that I was always so good at.

I was able to make one more stop before heading home. When I got home, I walked in the kitchen and the kitchen floor was a mess. It's obviously been that way for a few days but I just cried because it was so dirty. I couldn't figure out how to clean it. I swept the dirt,but it didn't come up and then I couldn't figure out what to do next. I cried some more. How silly -- but uncontrollable nonetheless. I called my husband and asked him if when he came home tonight he could clean the kitchen floor. I'm not sure in my whole life I have ever fretted over having a dirty kitchen floor!

Tomorrow is another day.

Patience

I have started this post many times and didn't finish it. I was afraid that those of you that read this blog will think I am writing about you -- and then I realized that the people I am going to write about probably don't read this blog so it doesn't matter anyway! So, if you are reading this -- it isn't about you.

I have very little patience these days. I don't think I ever really had a lot to begin with but I thought over the years I had gotten better. I don't know if my lack of patience these days is because of my Alzheimer's or my just getting older (yes, Carol you will be there one day too!).

But, I get so frustrated these days by some of my so called friends who just take things for granted because they think they can. I'm much less tolerant of these people, because life is just too short!

On another note, a friend of mine's fiancee was in a very serious ski accident in Colorado. He is showing some positive signs now, but he has a very long recovery ahead of him. He has a great deal of reconstructive surgery on his face ahead of him, and they are not sure of the extent of any brain damage he may have suffered quite yet. He was taken off the ventilator yesterday and is breathing on his own. That's a great sign -- and he has shown movement in his limbs. He had been in a medically induced coma for several days after being airlifted out of the ski slope in Denver. My friend and he just got engaged over Christmas. They have a very long road ahead of them. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

After hearing the news of this accident, I realized how much I miss my son these days. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but there are days when he seems millions of miles away. When he initially left for college five years ago my husband was very upset about him leaving and seemed to miss him much more than I did. Now, that seems to be reversed. My husband now sees him as the adult he is and he has his own life. But, as a mother, I guess I will always look at him as "my little boy" (don't all mothers?) and wish he was at least closer to home. I guess I become more realistic as to what "good time" I have left to share with my family.

Finally, a New Post

I apologize for not posting in awhile. I think of things during the day to write about and then I either forget, or realize that noboday wants to hear about that anyway! So, I promised myself that I would post something today even if this is all it was!

It is extemely warm down here for this time of year (70 degrees) and I think that kind of has my mood messed up because "it's not normal". It is suppose to get a little cooler this weekend and then maybe I will feel better.

Yesterday, I went to Atlanta and met a very nice lady that has early on-set Alzheimer's. She was a real delight to get to know and we bonded instantly. I certainly hope that we can continue seeing each other and "comparing notes".

My son is taking his first set of final exams for law school. His last one is today and then he will have a little break. I'll be glad when this is over for him and he can get a gauge on how he is doing. His girlfriend started a new job this week. So, a few changes for them right now.

Well, the mind is a little slow today so will close for now. I'll try to do better!

Happy New Year

It's New Year's Eve and all is quiet. Alan went out to lunch with a friend. Ralph is in St. Louis -- his sister-in-law passed away a couple of days ago and he drove up for the funeral. This was his brother Tom's wife and it is very tragic. Not only to pass away at the holidays but to pass away so young -- she was in her late 50's and had cancer. She got extremely ill very quickly.

So, it has been a bittersweet holiday. It has been nice having Alan home -- since he has been studying for final exams we haven't been doing a lot. He has been very very good and staying in his room and studying. It's very hard for me to not go into his room when he is studying and I have probably interrupted him more times than I should have!

But, because he has been so "quiet" I have found this holiday to not be too bad. Usually we are doing a lot more and I get more tired. But, this has been a good one on that side of things.

Well, I guess while the house is quiet I'll try to retire for a nap. I really notice a difference when I don't get my rest.

Hope everyone has a great new year!

Holidays

I promise to write much more soon -- this was taken on Christmas Day.
Hope everyone had a great holiday.

Christmas Time

It's a few days before Christmas and all through our house it is pretty quiet. Alan is home and studying hard since his finals are January 4th. What a great way to spend your Christmas vacation. Ralph is taking some time off while Alan is home. We are trying to visit with friends when we can and relax at the same time. Alan's girlfriend, Jennifer and her parents and sister are coming over for dinner on Christmas as well as some other friends. That's what Christmas is about -- spending time with those you care for and all of these people are as close to family as we can get down here in the South. I miss being with my family in Illinois, but maybe some year we will try to do that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and I'll post again soon -- I promise!