Speaking My Mind

For those of you that have known me for awhile you know that I have always been one to "say what was on my mind". Sometimes that got me into trouble, but for me, what else is new? So, what I am about to write will seem like a shock to you.

I'm having an increasingly difficult time saying the words that pop into my mind. I know exactly what I want to say but I can't put the words together to make it mean what I want it to mean. Yesterday, I was having a lunch meeting with some of the women on the Memory Walk committee for this year, and it seemed like every point I was trying to get across didn't come across the way I wanted it to. I think they were able to get some things I was saying, but after the meeting I felt really bad because I know I must have sounded like an idiot at times.

I'm also working with a national committee for a national Alzheimer's conference in Atlanta this fall. Our work includes going over abstracts for speakers. Since the committee is comprised of people from all over the country we are having conference calls to narrow the field of the speakers. I have a difficult time working over the phone anyway, but to have lots of different voices coming at me makes it extremely difficult. Then the lack of me being able to put sentences together to mean what I really want to say intimidates me so I end up being more silent than I feel I should be. (What a shocker that is!) I feel inadequate and very useless to the whole process when I can't contribute what I want.

I've said before that this disease makes me feel stupid and when I encounter days like yesterday I do feel stupid. I know that I'm not stupid, but it's hard not to feel that way.

Having come from a journalism background as a tv news reporter and writer for many different publications this becomes increasingly frustrating. Communications has also been something I thought I did pretty well. Since being diagnosed I have wanted to write a book, but I know that I couldn't do that without a lot of help. I haven't found that help yet, so I guess for now this journal is the best I can do.....and I'm not really sure how good that is when I go back and read some of the posts I've written. Thank you for reading anyway.