Friday, January 23, 2015

a bad week

I have started this post many times and deleted it. this time it is going to be published whether it is "polished" or not.

as my Alzheimer's progresses my emotions get out of control. My feelings get hurt very easily. I have written before how it has been hard for me to let go of things. I don't know why I can't keep my emotions in check. I don't know if I am imagining things, reading into things wrong, or just losing it at times. But it really affects me when I am left out, forgotten or people just don't care enough, when I have put my heart and soul into a friendship that people do some of the things they do. If I say something to them, they think I am being petty -- but it isn't petty to me. We all have our thresholds I guess and mine is pretty low.

a couple of weeks ago I had two funerals in one day. It brought sorrow and joy into my life -- sorrow for losing two individuals  so young, but joy to know how well they were loved and by getting to see so many people that helped celebrate their life. Tomorrow brings yet another funeral. I guess as we get older, funerals become the norm, but it is still hard.

This week I suffered a head injury and the doctor has deemed it a concussion. Can't say I have ever had one of those, but it isn't pleasant.

Also this week I sat down and wrote several letters -- yes, actual letters. I like writing letters "the old fashioned way". One of the letters was to a man that I went to college with that has had a lasting affect on me. Every time I went back to Illinois I would say I want to go by and see him. I never got around to it. so, I finally decided to sit down and tell him what our friendship meant to me and how he showed me a different way of thinking and how grateful I was to have had him as a friend. I am glad I did that.

I am hoping next week will be better.

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Another year

is in the books and we are greeting 2015. I started reflecting on the last year and was going to write all kinds of things, but realized they are probably only meaningful to me so I am going to spare you from that post right now.

But the past year took many people from my life and probably yours as well.  And, sickness has overcome many and some are not looking at real bright outcomes. I guess as we age that is to be expected.  I am so thankful I am here so long after my Alzheiemer's diagnosis.  I guess that is why I seem to define my life in "time".  Time matters. We take it for granted.  I want to spend my time doing things that matter to me not because someone expects it of me.  Everyone defines their life differently and as we mature we change those definitions every now and then.  Although my husband would never admit it, he defines his life by things.....what he has, what he wants, what he doesn't have.  He likes to be able to touch things, covet things and get better things.  I know that probably stems from not having much growing up. And, I'm sure that my definition comes from never feeling like I had time to be with some members of my family -- like my dad.  My father always worked nights so he was home when we were in school and then he would be off to work when we came home.  I know I worked alot when my son was growing up and wasn't around as much as I wanted to be and I regret that.  I know that he probably does too. So, it is something I will continue to work on -- to be there for my friends and family as best as I am able to.

For Christmas this year, I asked for nothing other than time.  I asked my son to spend time with me on Mother's Day (the actual day of Mother's Day).  I know that sounds silly but sometimes due to circumstances (or distance) we weren't together and I was bothered by that.  The actual day shouldn't make a difference, but for some reason I can't let that go.  So, for Christmas my son has already made arrangements for us to be together on Mother's Day.  From my husband, I asked for acknowledgement. I asked that he acknowledge my birthday this year. That sounds pretty silly too - doesn't it?  But it doesn't cost anything and I will be grateful if he will do this.

Speaking of letting it go -- I have had a hard time with that this year.  I think I have had a drastic shift in my thinking on this.  For so many years, I let things go that bothered me because I didn't want to confront it, didn't want to deal with or just couldn't be bothered.  But then I found it festering in me and getting upset with myself that I didn't deal with certain things and then found myself resenting people because of my inaction.  So now, I'm holding on to things too long and becoming frustrated so I have to find a happy medium.  Hopefully, I can do that soon. 

I am so thankful for my friends.  I have made a lot of new friends this year and it has opened up some things for me that I didn't think were possible.  I am truly grateful for that.

I have had to make quite a few changes in my life this year and that hasn't been comfortable for some of those around me.  But, it has freed me up and I guess I am to the point where I am selfish enough now, to do things for me -- not others.  It has taken me almost 60 years to figure that out -- but better late than never -- right?

Happy New Year!