Bad days

Well, I had one of my bad days today -- and it is barely noon!

Just about every morning I get up and go work out at the gym. It's about 1 1/2 miles away from our house. And, every morning I go to the gym the same way. This morning, though, instead of turning right out of my driveway I turned left. You can get to the gym by going left it just takes a little longer. But, when I realized that I wasn't going the "right way" to the gym, I became extremely disoriented and lost. I could not figure out how to get to the gym. So I drove back home and started all over, went the correct way out of the driveway and got to the gym.

After going to the gym I decided to stop at Wal-Mart and pick up one item. I drove down to Wal-Mart and when I walked in the store I realized that all kinds of things had been moved around and there were thirty or forty carts filled with merchandise that the employees were rearranging. I immediately had a panic attack -- because what I was seeing was "not right" -- it wasn't the same way it was in my head and I didn't know what to do. I froze in place. I literally could not move my feet. It was like I was scared of something. The only other time I felt like that was when I was in Arizona climbing some rocks and I saw a rattlesnake. I was so terrified I could not move. Back to Wal-Mart. I did my deep breathing exercises and tried to relax. I relaxed enough that I could walk right back out of the store and go home. I usually have a problem going into Wal Mart anyway -- it is sensory overload to me. About the only time I can go is between 6 and 7 in the morning when it is relatively quiet and there are not many people around -- but obviously not today!

By now, I should realize when these things happen to me I just need to come home and stay at home. But, I had a long list of things to do and after getting settled down a bit I looked over the list and crossed a few things off to save for another day. I decided to try a couple more places. Back to the car and off to the Post Office.

When I was in the Post Office two people came up to me and were talking to me. They both called me by name and chatted to me as if we were long lost friends, but I have no idea who they were or how they knew me. I am always embarassed to ask people who they are but I shouldn't be. Recognizing people and remembering things about them has always been something I could do. My husband thinks that these might have been people that I have met recently therefore I can't remember them as easily. It is so frustrating because this is something that I was always so good at.

I was able to make one more stop before heading home. When I got home, I walked in the kitchen and the kitchen floor was a mess. It's obviously been that way for a few days but I just cried because it was so dirty. I couldn't figure out how to clean it. I swept the dirt,but it didn't come up and then I couldn't figure out what to do next. I cried some more. How silly -- but uncontrollable nonetheless. I called my husband and asked him if when he came home tonight he could clean the kitchen floor. I'm not sure in my whole life I have ever fretted over having a dirty kitchen floor!

Tomorrow is another day.