Monday, January 30, 2006

Feeling Helpless

I'm having one of those days where I just feel helpless. Not helpless as far as myself goes, but in being able to help others. In my post on January 18th, I wrote about my friend's fiancee. Tomorrow he faces a huge surgery and I'm very concerned about him. You can read about him here Please keep him in your prayers and thoughts, tomorrow is a big day. I feel helpless in there isn't much I can do for my friend Lauren. I guess it bothers me much more because she and Brad are about the same age as Alan. But, they are strong and they will get through this one way or another. I wish I could help.

It is also times like this that I wish I was doing more to help others. I sometimes don't go out of the house for days and wonder why I am wasting my time. I need to change my ways.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Bad days

Well, I had one of my bad days today -- and it is barely noon!

Just about every morning I get up and go work out at the gym. It's about 1 1/2 miles away from our house. And, every morning I go to the gym the same way. This morning, though, instead of turning right out of my driveway I turned left. You can get to the gym by going left it just takes a little longer. But, when I realized that I wasn't going the "right way" to the gym, I became extremely disoriented and lost. I could not figure out how to get to the gym. So I drove back home and started all over, went the correct way out of the driveway and got to the gym.

After going to the gym I decided to stop at Wal-Mart and pick up one item. I drove down to Wal-Mart and when I walked in the store I realized that all kinds of things had been moved around and there were thirty or forty carts filled with merchandise that the employees were rearranging. I immediately had a panic attack -- because what I was seeing was "not right" -- it wasn't the same way it was in my head and I didn't know what to do. I froze in place. I literally could not move my feet. It was like I was scared of something. The only other time I felt like that was when I was in Arizona climbing some rocks and I saw a rattlesnake. I was so terrified I could not move. Back to Wal-Mart. I did my deep breathing exercises and tried to relax. I relaxed enough that I could walk right back out of the store and go home. I usually have a problem going into Wal Mart anyway -- it is sensory overload to me. About the only time I can go is between 6 and 7 in the morning when it is relatively quiet and there are not many people around -- but obviously not today!

By now, I should realize when these things happen to me I just need to come home and stay at home. But, I had a long list of things to do and after getting settled down a bit I looked over the list and crossed a few things off to save for another day. I decided to try a couple more places. Back to the car and off to the Post Office.

When I was in the Post Office two people came up to me and were talking to me. They both called me by name and chatted to me as if we were long lost friends, but I have no idea who they were or how they knew me. I am always embarassed to ask people who they are but I shouldn't be. Recognizing people and remembering things about them has always been something I could do. My husband thinks that these might have been people that I have met recently therefore I can't remember them as easily. It is so frustrating because this is something that I was always so good at.

I was able to make one more stop before heading home. When I got home, I walked in the kitchen and the kitchen floor was a mess. It's obviously been that way for a few days but I just cried because it was so dirty. I couldn't figure out how to clean it. I swept the dirt,but it didn't come up and then I couldn't figure out what to do next. I cried some more. How silly -- but uncontrollable nonetheless. I called my husband and asked him if when he came home tonight he could clean the kitchen floor. I'm not sure in my whole life I have ever fretted over having a dirty kitchen floor!

Tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I have started this post many times and didn't finish it. I was afraid that those of you that read this blog will think I am writing about you -- and then I realized that the people I am going to write about probably don't read this blog so it doesn't matter anyway! So, if you are reading this -- it isn't about you.

I have very little patience these days. I don't think I ever really had a lot to begin with but I thought over the years I had gotten better. I don't know if my lack of patience these days is because of my Alzheimer's or my just getting older (yes, Carol you will be there one day too!).

But, I get so frustrated these days by some of my so called friends who just take things for granted because they think they can. I'm much less tolerant of these people, because life is just too short!

On another note, a friend of mine's fiancee was in a very serious ski accident in Colorado. He is showing some positive signs now, but he has a very long recovery ahead of him. He has a great deal of reconstructive surgery on his face ahead of him, and they are not sure of the extent of any brain damage he may have suffered quite yet. He was taken off the ventilator yesterday and is breathing on his own. That's a great sign -- and he has shown movement in his limbs. He had been in a medically induced coma for several days after being airlifted out of the ski slope in Denver. My friend and he just got engaged over Christmas. They have a very long road ahead of them. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

After hearing the news of this accident, I realized how much I miss my son these days. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but there are days when he seems millions of miles away. When he initially left for college five years ago my husband was very upset about him leaving and seemed to miss him much more than I did. Now, that seems to be reversed. My husband now sees him as the adult he is and he has his own life. But, as a mother, I guess I will always look at him as "my little boy" (don't all mothers?) and wish he was at least closer to home. I guess I become more realistic as to what "good time" I have left to share with my family.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Finally, a New Post

I apologize for not posting in awhile. I think of things during the day to write about and then I either forget, or realize that noboday wants to hear about that anyway! So, I promised myself that I would post something today even if this is all it was!

It is extemely warm down here for this time of year (70 degrees) and I think that kind of has my mood messed up because "it's not normal". It is suppose to get a little cooler this weekend and then maybe I will feel better.

Yesterday, I went to Atlanta and met a very nice lady that has early on-set Alzheimer's. She was a real delight to get to know and we bonded instantly. I certainly hope that we can continue seeing each other and "comparing notes".

My son is taking his first set of final exams for law school. His last one is today and then he will have a little break. I'll be glad when this is over for him and he can get a gauge on how he is doing. His girlfriend started a new job this week. So, a few changes for them right now.

Well, the mind is a little slow today so will close for now. I'll try to do better!