Tennis

I can't remember a time when I didn't play tennis. I taught myself very young. I've always been a tomboy and when my brothers wouldn't let me play baseball with them when I was young, I got a tennis racket and would hit tennis balls endlessly against a wall, near the baseball field so I could be close to my brothers and all the action that was going on. My mom used to tell the story that my brothers wouldn't let me play baseball with them because I would turn cartwheels in the outfield.

So I played a lot of tennis. Sports for girls in high school were virtually non-existent at that time so I never really played on a "team" until my adult life.

This all brings me to my tennis match today. My husband signed us up to play in this mixed doubles league. I have made it my practice to not play mixed doubles with my husband because it never seems to work out. I play to win -- he plays for fun. However, I said yes, and we started our league play today.

The first set was fine -- we lost 7-5 but it was very competitive. Then I lost it. My concentration was shot, I put my earplugs in to help block out some of the noise. I couldn't remember the score, I couldn't remember who was serving and I couldn't remember the last point. I started having panic attacks and couldn't breathe. I was so confused and so upset I started crying on the court before we started the second set. Our opponents didn't see this (I don't think) but suffice it to say we never won another game. I disappointed myself, but also my husband -- although he hasn't said that -- I just feel that.

I think I have now become a person who "doesn't play tennis" but rather a person that can go out and "hit the ball" for an hour or so and let it go at that.

So many other things that I have lost the ability to do, do not bother me as much as this. Tennis has been a part of my life for over 40 years. I've always been that self proclaimed "tennis snob" but I guess I won't be any longer. I'm sure my tennis playing friends reading this will be rejoicing at that fact.

We still have five matches to go in our league and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through them or if I will be able to do it at all.

My husband has commented from time to time that I was always defined by what I did -- mainly by the jobs I have had over the years. He worried that when I retired I would have a hard time, because I wouldn't be known for something. I've always had relatively high profile jobs and he really felt that is what defined me. It probably did sometimes. But, I have always defined myself in many ways and one thing I was always proud to say was that "I was a tennis player".

I guess I no longer am. And that makes me very sad.