Today is my 49th birthday. It has been a rather emotional day -- upon waking this morning I received word that a dear friend had passed away from pancreatic cancer. We knew that it wouldn't be long for her but it is still difficult. Earlier in the week, a business associate that I had worked with for over 15 years passed away with cancer. His memorial service is tomorrow. Just about a month ago I was faced with two others passing away within a week of each other. I'm much more emotional than I used to be so these types of things hit me harder than I expect them to.
But, the bright side of my day was that my boy came home from college to surprise me for my birthday -- that is all I wanted for my birthday was to see my son -- and I didn't think it was going to happen for a lot of reasons. But, it did, and that made me very very happy.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Panic Attacks
Have you ever had a panic attack? It is not a fun thing. I've been experiencing some lately and it is awful. I remember a long time ago talking to someone with early on set Alzheimer's and she told me that she couldn't leave the house or get around a lot of people because she would get panic attacks. I had them years ago and they went away -- now I guess they're back although not too bad! What fun life is.
The weather has started to turn cooler here and it so nice to be outside. I also feel like working around the house a little more -- you don't get so hot. I realize how much I have neglected the house over the years -- I'm glad my husband was there to pick up the slack. I'm going to try to do better. If I could accomplish one big chore a day it would be great -- but I haven't been that ambitious.
Back to the doctor today for my three month check up. I suspect everything will be o.k. -- we'll see.
The weather has started to turn cooler here and it so nice to be outside. I also feel like working around the house a little more -- you don't get so hot. I realize how much I have neglected the house over the years -- I'm glad my husband was there to pick up the slack. I'm going to try to do better. If I could accomplish one big chore a day it would be great -- but I haven't been that ambitious.
Back to the doctor today for my three month check up. I suspect everything will be o.k. -- we'll see.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
OK, OK
Yes, it has been almost a month since I wrote in this blog -- thanks to the many that have reminded me in the last few weeks. I always think that what I write in here is so negative that people don't want to read it...so I'll try to be better.
I am working on our Memory Walk -- it has been a bit of a struggle getting everyone to buy into here in Athens. It is different than most of the "walks" in Athens, because most people just register the day of, pay their $10 or $15 to walk and it is over. Since this is more of a fund raising issue, it doesn't work quite that way and it is just getting people to change their mind set. It will turn out fine -- it is just change for many people.
I have 15 or so people on my team this year and that is good. I hope collectively we can raise $3,000. Last year we raised over $2,000. However, many of the people on my team are forming their own teams this year since the walk is in Athens, so we may have to try a little harder.
I go back to the neurologist next week. Hopefully he will think I am doing better -- I certainly feel a lot better by not working. I feel like I can contribute a little more to home life these days.
A lady in Atlanta called me this weekend -- she is 53 and was just diagnosed. She still works and is doing well -- she really just wanted to find out a little more about my situation and what she thought she might be facing. She feels that she can continue to work for awhile and that is good as long as she can do it.
I'm going to quit for now, but I promoise -- cross my heart -- to be back more often.
I am working on our Memory Walk -- it has been a bit of a struggle getting everyone to buy into here in Athens. It is different than most of the "walks" in Athens, because most people just register the day of, pay their $10 or $15 to walk and it is over. Since this is more of a fund raising issue, it doesn't work quite that way and it is just getting people to change their mind set. It will turn out fine -- it is just change for many people.
I have 15 or so people on my team this year and that is good. I hope collectively we can raise $3,000. Last year we raised over $2,000. However, many of the people on my team are forming their own teams this year since the walk is in Athens, so we may have to try a little harder.
I go back to the neurologist next week. Hopefully he will think I am doing better -- I certainly feel a lot better by not working. I feel like I can contribute a little more to home life these days.
A lady in Atlanta called me this weekend -- she is 53 and was just diagnosed. She still works and is doing well -- she really just wanted to find out a little more about my situation and what she thought she might be facing. She feels that she can continue to work for awhile and that is good as long as she can do it.
I'm going to quit for now, but I promoise -- cross my heart -- to be back more often.
Friday, September 03, 2004
Tennis
I know that I have discussed how much I enjoy playing tennis and how at times it is hard because of all the noise on the courts. People talking and yelling distract me and it is hard to focus on the game at hand.
Well, about a week and a half ago, I was out playing tennis with my husband and something a little different happened to me. I was playing and I could not figure out what I was doing out there. I was getting mad because all I knew was that my husband was on the other side of the court hitting balls at me. I was trying to bat them down because I didn't want them to hit me -- I was totally unaware that I was out there to play a game -- I just couldn't figure out why my husband was hitting balls at me.
Then I looked around at the other courts and saw the same thing happening on the courts and couldn't figure out why people would intentionally be hitting balls at each other because someone was going to get hurt! After about ten or fifteen minutes I just broked down crying on the court because I couldn't understand why my husband would want to hurt me by hitting balls at me. After a time out on the court for me to cry I regrouped, figured it out and when on to play. And, after my husband played easy on me for a few games, I ended up beating him -- but he really won -- because he had to put up with me!
Well, about a week and a half ago, I was out playing tennis with my husband and something a little different happened to me. I was playing and I could not figure out what I was doing out there. I was getting mad because all I knew was that my husband was on the other side of the court hitting balls at me. I was trying to bat them down because I didn't want them to hit me -- I was totally unaware that I was out there to play a game -- I just couldn't figure out why my husband was hitting balls at me.
Then I looked around at the other courts and saw the same thing happening on the courts and couldn't figure out why people would intentionally be hitting balls at each other because someone was going to get hurt! After about ten or fifteen minutes I just broked down crying on the court because I couldn't understand why my husband would want to hurt me by hitting balls at me. After a time out on the court for me to cry I regrouped, figured it out and when on to play. And, after my husband played easy on me for a few games, I ended up beating him -- but he really won -- because he had to put up with me!
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
The Week
The week started off kind of quiet with the son off to college. I am always sad when he leaves (even though it is quieter) and even though he is only a little over an hour down the road at school it seems like he is a lot farther away. I can't imagine when he goes off to law school next year what that will feel like. I always worry about how he will see me the next time he comes home -- will he notice changes in me, will he be surprised with what he sees? I guess I worry too much. There's not much he can do about it anyway.
I think I have somewhat of a routine going these days. I'm better in the morning and since I have always been a morning person that is probably a good thing! So, getting errands and such done in the morning and settling into "home" things in the afternoon seems to work for me right now. Things come up that throw me off but I seem to be doing o.k. with everything for the moment.
One thing I have noticed lately is that talking on the telephone is a little more difficult for me. It's not the talking part, it is taking what the other person is saying, understanding what they are saying and putting the right words together for a response. I am sure that sometimes the person on the other end thinks I'm not paying attention, but it takes me longer to put into words what I want to say. I tend to lose the flow of the conversation if it is a long one and then I know my answers probably don't make much sense. I ask a lot of questions on the phone,probably repeating myself several times in the process. I remember before I was on my medication I asked those that I worked with that the preferred method of communication with me now was either putting a note in my box or email. That way I could go back and look at it several times if I needed to. It's hard to do that with a conversation.
I think I have somewhat of a routine going these days. I'm better in the morning and since I have always been a morning person that is probably a good thing! So, getting errands and such done in the morning and settling into "home" things in the afternoon seems to work for me right now. Things come up that throw me off but I seem to be doing o.k. with everything for the moment.
One thing I have noticed lately is that talking on the telephone is a little more difficult for me. It's not the talking part, it is taking what the other person is saying, understanding what they are saying and putting the right words together for a response. I am sure that sometimes the person on the other end thinks I'm not paying attention, but it takes me longer to put into words what I want to say. I tend to lose the flow of the conversation if it is a long one and then I know my answers probably don't make much sense. I ask a lot of questions on the phone,probably repeating myself several times in the process. I remember before I was on my medication I asked those that I worked with that the preferred method of communication with me now was either putting a note in my box or email. That way I could go back and look at it several times if I needed to. It's hard to do that with a conversation.
Friday, August 13, 2004
The Media
Last week my son and I did a radio interview. It turned out really well. Leeza Gibbons was on with us and she was talking about her Leeza's Place that she has started. She was very delightful and she was very accommodating. She stayed with us for the whole hour and that was not something I was expecting her to do.
Today, as I write this Fox 5 from Atlanta is here doing an interview on our family. They are actually shooting me typing this. The interviews are hard and although they can sometimes seem effortless it takes a lot of energy out of me and I know my family when doing these. Sometimes we don't like to talk about the disease because it is not always pleasant to talk about -- but I know we have to for everyone's sake -- it is just not that easy to do sometimes. I have thrusted my family in the spotlight for two years now and they don't seem to mind. My husband is particularly shy so I know that it is a stretch for him, but he does it. He knows how important it is to spread the word.
Many have asked about my retirement and how it is going. It certainly is different but I am enjoying not having to work the long hours and deal with the stress. I still have my moments, though. I'm trying to work myself into a routine. And, my friends are pretty good about not "overdoing it" on me. I get lots of calls to do things but when I have to say no because I'm just not up to it my friends know that it is because I have a hard time with it on that day and it isn't a reflection on not wanting to do things with them. I hope they keep remembering that! My friends get me through my tough days and it is great to know they are out there when I need them.
Alan goes back to school this weekend. It is going to be strange not having him around -- but then it will certainly be more quiet!
Today, as I write this Fox 5 from Atlanta is here doing an interview on our family. They are actually shooting me typing this. The interviews are hard and although they can sometimes seem effortless it takes a lot of energy out of me and I know my family when doing these. Sometimes we don't like to talk about the disease because it is not always pleasant to talk about -- but I know we have to for everyone's sake -- it is just not that easy to do sometimes. I have thrusted my family in the spotlight for two years now and they don't seem to mind. My husband is particularly shy so I know that it is a stretch for him, but he does it. He knows how important it is to spread the word.
Many have asked about my retirement and how it is going. It certainly is different but I am enjoying not having to work the long hours and deal with the stress. I still have my moments, though. I'm trying to work myself into a routine. And, my friends are pretty good about not "overdoing it" on me. I get lots of calls to do things but when I have to say no because I'm just not up to it my friends know that it is because I have a hard time with it on that day and it isn't a reflection on not wanting to do things with them. I hope they keep remembering that! My friends get me through my tough days and it is great to know they are out there when I need them.
Alan goes back to school this weekend. It is going to be strange not having him around -- but then it will certainly be more quiet!
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
This and That
Tomorrow my son and I are doing a local radio show. I have done the show on numerous occasions some about my job, but the last two years I have been on to talk about Alzheimer's. Tomorrow will be my son's first time on a radio program. He has stepped out in the limelight on my disease with television and newspaper reporters, but not radio. I'm proud of him for doing it -- he knows how important it is and I appreciate it. Also on the program with us tomorrow will be television personality Leeza Gibbons. She has started "Leeza's Place" for those with Alzheimer's. Her grandmother passed away with the disease and now her mother has it. I don't know what it must be like to be children of those with the disease and wondering whether they will get it or not. I know how bad I feel thinking that I may have passed this on -- but the question out there remains whether you want to know or not. There are pros and cons to both sides of that story.
I am enjoying my retirement. Of course, as I have probably stated before, I have to be careful to pace myself. So far, I'm doing pretty good. I am taking time to do some things around the house but one of the most important projects that I am doing is re-doing photo albums and scrapbooking. It takes a lot of time but I want to do these things for my son in particular. I'm beginning to forget more and more and I want to capture the memories while I still have them.
I am enjoying my retirement. Of course, as I have probably stated before, I have to be careful to pace myself. So far, I'm doing pretty good. I am taking time to do some things around the house but one of the most important projects that I am doing is re-doing photo albums and scrapbooking. It takes a lot of time but I want to do these things for my son in particular. I'm beginning to forget more and more and I want to capture the memories while I still have them.
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Retirement
So far, retirement is pretty good. I love not having to get up in the morning and get dressed for work. I still get up early out of habit, but it's nice to know that I don't have to.
I'm enjoying my peaceful time at home. People keep asking me what I am doing to stay busy, because if you know me, you know that I am always doing something. However, that has changed. I'm not the same person anymore. My personality has changed and of course my thought processes have changed as well. I don't need to be busy every second of every day. That is why I retired.....to have some time to be able to deal with life. I honestly do not know how I worked every day -- I know I wasn't keeping up, but the energy it took was so exhausting. I didn't realize how tired I was until I stopped working.
My life is different now. It's hard for people to understand that about me. But that is o.k., they don't have to.
I do have a few projects I am working on and I have had to tell a lot of people "no", which I didn't used to do. But I know my limits -- I can't do the things I used to do -- eventually others will figure this out as well. I want to do as much as I can, but that is a lot different than what it used to be.
I have a lot of friends that are concerned about me in my retirement. Right now I'm doing fine and it makes my happy that they care about me.
I'm enjoying my peaceful time at home. People keep asking me what I am doing to stay busy, because if you know me, you know that I am always doing something. However, that has changed. I'm not the same person anymore. My personality has changed and of course my thought processes have changed as well. I don't need to be busy every second of every day. That is why I retired.....to have some time to be able to deal with life. I honestly do not know how I worked every day -- I know I wasn't keeping up, but the energy it took was so exhausting. I didn't realize how tired I was until I stopped working.
My life is different now. It's hard for people to understand that about me. But that is o.k., they don't have to.
I do have a few projects I am working on and I have had to tell a lot of people "no", which I didn't used to do. But I know my limits -- I can't do the things I used to do -- eventually others will figure this out as well. I want to do as much as I can, but that is a lot different than what it used to be.
I have a lot of friends that are concerned about me in my retirement. Right now I'm doing fine and it makes my happy that they care about me.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Death
A friend of mine passed away last week. She had been ill for a long time -- in and out of remission of a disease. She was one of the first people that we met when we moved here almost 25 years ago. Her memorial service was today and I sat there hoping that when it comes to be my turn that it will be as nice. She had a lot of friends that loved her. She was only 54 years old. That's sad.
I was also reminded at the service how my memory is fading. There were so many people there and I couldn't remember their names or realize how I should know them. That has always been one of my strong points and that is something I am going to have to get used to. The medication I am on has been good at helping but I know it isn't the cure! Don't I wish that it was.
I was also reminded at the service how my memory is fading. There were so many people there and I couldn't remember their names or realize how I should know them. That has always been one of my strong points and that is something I am going to have to get used to. The medication I am on has been good at helping but I know it isn't the cure! Don't I wish that it was.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Retirement
Well it has been so long since I wrote in here, that I went to edit my post and found that I had deleted it, so I had to start all over!
I am officially retired now and since it hasn't been but two weeks since this has happened I only feel like I am on vacation. I'm sure that will change shortly!
I went back to the doctor last week and he wants me to increase my medicine a little. That is always a bummer. And, it will be important for me to establish a routine now that I am home. That might be the most difficult thing for me to do!
We went on a short vacation to Toronto last week. It was nice getting away with the family. It does really exhaust me because I have to be so attentive all the time and it really wears me out. I did get pretty confused on the subway, tram and bus system, but that is what my family is for these days -- to help me maneuver. We did have a great time and the trip was just long enough. It is so important we do these trips because I'm not sure how long I will be able to travel like that.
I promise to be better about putting in some posts -- now that I am a lady of leisure!
I am officially retired now and since it hasn't been but two weeks since this has happened I only feel like I am on vacation. I'm sure that will change shortly!
I went back to the doctor last week and he wants me to increase my medicine a little. That is always a bummer. And, it will be important for me to establish a routine now that I am home. That might be the most difficult thing for me to do!
We went on a short vacation to Toronto last week. It was nice getting away with the family. It does really exhaust me because I have to be so attentive all the time and it really wears me out. I did get pretty confused on the subway, tram and bus system, but that is what my family is for these days -- to help me maneuver. We did have a great time and the trip was just long enough. It is so important we do these trips because I'm not sure how long I will be able to travel like that.
I promise to be better about putting in some posts -- now that I am a lady of leisure!
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