The Week

It's been a busy week and this weekend we are going to Nashville to watch a women's basketball game. There was a game last night and our team lost in a heartbreaker. I do enjoy going to the games but sometimes they can be rough on me. If I'm not rested it is hard and the noise is overwhelming sometimes. Last night I forgot my ear plugs so it was particularly hard. And, what made is worse is that we lost.

Life and Death

Last night I went to a memorial service for a man who had taken his life at the early age of 48. He was married to a friend of mine. It was so sad. They have a son that is just a couple of years older than my son and he is due to be married this summer. What a shame his father will not be by his side. At the service they played a Travis Tritt song that was dedicated to the sone -- I think the name of it was "I See Me" and the song was about a man describing his son and the son not having fallen far from the apple tree.

I think about my son and my husband. They are a lot a like and then they aren't. I worry about not being with my son on his wedding day -- at least maybe not mentally. And it bothers me -- so we have to be sure to cherish the time we do have with our family.

My heart goes out to my firend and her family.

People and Things

My memory is getting so much worse. I have been losing lots of things around the house. I just can't seem to remember where I put things and I'll put things in very weird places. It's so frustrating. Yesterday, I was re-organizing all of my scrapbooking stuff and kept losing track of things. I combined a lot of things to cut down on the clutter and then couldn't remember doing it.

And, I'm not recognizing people. I know some people look at me like I should know them and they don't say anything. I rationalize it by telling myself that because I am wearing my hair longer that people don't recognize me -- therefore they don't say anything -- but I have a strong feeling it is the other way around -- they are looking at me, realize I don't recognize them and then don't say anything. It's that stare they give me, that tells me that I should know who they are.

How frustrating.

Dreams

I have had a very hard time sleeping these past few months. Not exactly sure why -- but I find myself a few steps behind everyone during the day from being tired. Besides that I have had weird dreams when I do sleep. In the mornings I can usually figure out why I had the dream, but certainly not the meaning of it. Last night I dreamed that I was in a cage on display at a circus type event and underneath it said "Has Alzheimer's Disease". I hope people didn't pay a lot to see that!

Friends....

are great to have. I know I have written in this blog about how important friends are in my life -- now more than ever. But, I worry about not being a good enough friend back. Several friends I have are carrying big burdens of their own and I don't feel like I am there for them the way they have been for me. What am I doing about it? Not much right now. Some of their burdens I can't carry with them right now for various reasons, but it doesn't mean that I'm not there with them and appreciating what they are going through. I've tried to help the best I can, but I'm not sure that is good enough. I'm going to have to change that. To all of my friends out there -- thank you -- I do appreciate you!

Feeling Helpless

I'm having one of those days where I just feel helpless. Not helpless as far as myself goes, but in being able to help others. In my post on January 18th, I wrote about my friend's fiancee. Tomorrow he faces a huge surgery and I'm very concerned about him. You can read about him here http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/inputSiteName.do?method=search&siteName=bradplain. Please keep him in your prayers and thoughts, tomorrow is a big day. I feel helpless in there isn't much I can do for my friend Lauren. I guess it bothers me much more because she and Brad are about the same age as Alan. But, they are strong and they will get through this one way or another. I wish I could help.

It is also times like this that I wish I was doing more to help others. I sometimes don't go out of the house for days and wonder why I am wasting my time. I need to change my ways.

Bad days

Well, I had one of my bad days today -- and it is barely noon!

Just about every morning I get up and go work out at the gym. It's about 1 1/2 miles away from our house. And, every morning I go to the gym the same way. This morning, though, instead of turning right out of my driveway I turned left. You can get to the gym by going left it just takes a little longer. But, when I realized that I wasn't going the "right way" to the gym, I became extremely disoriented and lost. I could not figure out how to get to the gym. So I drove back home and started all over, went the correct way out of the driveway and got to the gym.

After going to the gym I decided to stop at Wal-Mart and pick up one item. I drove down to Wal-Mart and when I walked in the store I realized that all kinds of things had been moved around and there were thirty or forty carts filled with merchandise that the employees were rearranging. I immediately had a panic attack -- because what I was seeing was "not right" -- it wasn't the same way it was in my head and I didn't know what to do. I froze in place. I literally could not move my feet. It was like I was scared of something. The only other time I felt like that was when I was in Arizona climbing some rocks and I saw a rattlesnake. I was so terrified I could not move. Back to Wal-Mart. I did my deep breathing exercises and tried to relax. I relaxed enough that I could walk right back out of the store and go home. I usually have a problem going into Wal Mart anyway -- it is sensory overload to me. About the only time I can go is between 6 and 7 in the morning when it is relatively quiet and there are not many people around -- but obviously not today!

By now, I should realize when these things happen to me I just need to come home and stay at home. But, I had a long list of things to do and after getting settled down a bit I looked over the list and crossed a few things off to save for another day. I decided to try a couple more places. Back to the car and off to the Post Office.

When I was in the Post Office two people came up to me and were talking to me. They both called me by name and chatted to me as if we were long lost friends, but I have no idea who they were or how they knew me. I am always embarassed to ask people who they are but I shouldn't be. Recognizing people and remembering things about them has always been something I could do. My husband thinks that these might have been people that I have met recently therefore I can't remember them as easily. It is so frustrating because this is something that I was always so good at.

I was able to make one more stop before heading home. When I got home, I walked in the kitchen and the kitchen floor was a mess. It's obviously been that way for a few days but I just cried because it was so dirty. I couldn't figure out how to clean it. I swept the dirt,but it didn't come up and then I couldn't figure out what to do next. I cried some more. How silly -- but uncontrollable nonetheless. I called my husband and asked him if when he came home tonight he could clean the kitchen floor. I'm not sure in my whole life I have ever fretted over having a dirty kitchen floor!

Tomorrow is another day.

Patience

I have started this post many times and didn't finish it. I was afraid that those of you that read this blog will think I am writing about you -- and then I realized that the people I am going to write about probably don't read this blog so it doesn't matter anyway! So, if you are reading this -- it isn't about you.

I have very little patience these days. I don't think I ever really had a lot to begin with but I thought over the years I had gotten better. I don't know if my lack of patience these days is because of my Alzheimer's or my just getting older (yes, Carol you will be there one day too!).

But, I get so frustrated these days by some of my so called friends who just take things for granted because they think they can. I'm much less tolerant of these people, because life is just too short!

On another note, a friend of mine's fiancee was in a very serious ski accident in Colorado. He is showing some positive signs now, but he has a very long recovery ahead of him. He has a great deal of reconstructive surgery on his face ahead of him, and they are not sure of the extent of any brain damage he may have suffered quite yet. He was taken off the ventilator yesterday and is breathing on his own. That's a great sign -- and he has shown movement in his limbs. He had been in a medically induced coma for several days after being airlifted out of the ski slope in Denver. My friend and he just got engaged over Christmas. They have a very long road ahead of them. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

After hearing the news of this accident, I realized how much I miss my son these days. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but there are days when he seems millions of miles away. When he initially left for college five years ago my husband was very upset about him leaving and seemed to miss him much more than I did. Now, that seems to be reversed. My husband now sees him as the adult he is and he has his own life. But, as a mother, I guess I will always look at him as "my little boy" (don't all mothers?) and wish he was at least closer to home. I guess I become more realistic as to what "good time" I have left to share with my family.

Finally, a New Post

I apologize for not posting in awhile. I think of things during the day to write about and then I either forget, or realize that noboday wants to hear about that anyway! So, I promised myself that I would post something today even if this is all it was!

It is extemely warm down here for this time of year (70 degrees) and I think that kind of has my mood messed up because "it's not normal". It is suppose to get a little cooler this weekend and then maybe I will feel better.

Yesterday, I went to Atlanta and met a very nice lady that has early on-set Alzheimer's. She was a real delight to get to know and we bonded instantly. I certainly hope that we can continue seeing each other and "comparing notes".

My son is taking his first set of final exams for law school. His last one is today and then he will have a little break. I'll be glad when this is over for him and he can get a gauge on how he is doing. His girlfriend started a new job this week. So, a few changes for them right now.

Well, the mind is a little slow today so will close for now. I'll try to do better!

Happy New Year

It's New Year's Eve and all is quiet. Alan went out to lunch with a friend. Ralph is in St. Louis -- his sister-in-law passed away a couple of days ago and he drove up for the funeral. This was his brother Tom's wife and it is very tragic. Not only to pass away at the holidays but to pass away so young -- she was in her late 50's and had cancer. She got extremely ill very quickly.

So, it has been a bittersweet holiday. It has been nice having Alan home -- since he has been studying for final exams we haven't been doing a lot. He has been very very good and staying in his room and studying. It's very hard for me to not go into his room when he is studying and I have probably interrupted him more times than I should have!

But, because he has been so "quiet" I have found this holiday to not be too bad. Usually we are doing a lot more and I get more tired. But, this has been a good one on that side of things.

Well, I guess while the house is quiet I'll try to retire for a nap. I really notice a difference when I don't get my rest.

Hope everyone has a great new year!