Retirement Party

I know I wrote in here a few weeks ago that I was dreading my retirement party. Well, the party was yesterday and it turned out great. It was a little overwhelming but I got through it. I think my biggest surprise is that my brother travelled from Illinois to be here to surprise me. My son knew that he was coming but I didn't. I was so surprised. The staff at work did a good job in keeping it low key and not a lot of speeches. It was truly a humbling experience seeing all the folks that came out to wish me well. It was awesome. I will write more later.

Loneliness

It's been said many times that Alzheimer's is a disease of loneliness. Loneliness in the sense that others don't realize what you are going through, loneliness in the sense that people around you don't know how to act or react so they don't and loneliness in the fact that you feel all alone -- no one can really do anything to help you. If you were ever the last one picked in gym class you can probably understand this. I see my friends and family going on about their lives and I can't participate or I sense they don't want me to because I can't contribute. I don't blame them...they aren't being cruel....it's just life these days.

President Reagan

died yesterday at the age of 93. He had Alzheimer's. I was always kind of indifferent to President Reagan never really feeling one way or another about him. When he announced 10 years ago he had the early stages of Alzheimer's, I remember feeling sorry for his family and wondering what they would have to go through in the years ahead. Needless to say, his death has had a bigger impact on me than I thought it would. I don't think I need to say anymore.

On a lighter note, some friends came from Illinois to see us this week. They drove the 12 hours or so, stayed a day, went to Atlanta for a day and drove home. That's friendship. It means so much to me that I have friends like that. It's hard for me to see them leave because I don't know when I will see them again or if by the time I do see them again whether I will remember them or not. So, I try to cherish the time I have with everyone not knowing what lies ahead.

As retirement approaches at the end of this month, my list of things I want to do grows longer. That's probably a good thing.

It's been awhile

I know. This is getting more and more difficult to write. It's not that I don't have things to share it is just I don't think anyone would find them interesting!

It's Memorial Day Weekend and things are kind of quiet. I have one more month to work with only one more major concert to do. You have no idea how much I am looking forward to at least getting this last concert done! It's getting so hard to do and I just want it to be over. In a little more than a week it will be and hopefully with not many problems.

On a brighter and much more different note, there will be an Alzheimer's Memory Walk in Athens this year. A lovely individual has stepped forward to organize it and I hope I can be of some help. I have wanted to do one here but knew that I couldn't organize it. It's a massive undertaking and we are fortunate to have a lot of peole step forward to help. It will be Saturday, November 6th and I'm looking forward to it.

Change!

OK -- I started logging into this Blog page to write something and they have changed the whole format of how you do things.......and then expect me to understand it. So, I'm hoping this posts o.k. -- change is not a good thing for someone with Alzheimer's.

Yes, it has been awhile since I posted. Finally getting back to somewhat of a routine after Alan's graduation. He hasn't been home much since he graduated because he has been working alot. But, it sure is different with another person around the house when you are not used to it. It is hard for me when he and his dad are talking and the television is on -- I can't filter through everything and it sounds like just lots of loud noises in my head.

My office wants to give me a retirement party at the end of June. That is really bothering me. All the people, all the emotions, all the fuss. I just want to "go quietly into the night", but that isn't going to happen. These kinds of things are very dfficult for me and it will be hard. I know I am obsessing about it and I need to stop thinking about it because it is a month away. I was hoping to influence the party someway that it could be very low key but I think it is getting out of hand. More on that later I'm sure.

Graduation

I know it has been awhile since I entered something in here. My son's college graduation was this weekend and my two brothers from Illinois came down for it. It was awesome to see them and I am so glad they could come. I don't spend a lot of time with them, but when I enter retirement I am hoping that I will be able to visit them more often. But, the weekend was pretty tiring for me. I actually "did pretty well" the whole weekend, not getting too confused but I really tried to stay focus most of the time and it is exhausting.

I found going back to work on Monday pretty hard. That whole "working the mind" stuff didn't go so well. Since I was tired, I made a lot of stupid mistakes and stayed pretty much in my office and out of harm's way. I feel like I hibernate most of the time, trying not to venture out of my office much just because it is too difficult to get back on track once I do. So, I do better in my quiet office, all by myself.

My office wants to have a retirement party for me and I have been fighting it. I don't want a party but they are determined to have one whether I want one or not. So, I have decided to give in and I figure that if I can be part of the planning that I can maybe steer it my way -- not too much fanfare. I just want to go "quietly into the night", but that is obviously not going to happen if I don't have something to say about it. I have a hard time around a lot of people and I will sometimes feel like a panic attack is coming on because of all the noise and trying to sort everything out. I just get too confused and I am easily overwhelmed. I know they know that and will take that into account when planning the party but I am still very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I certainly don't feel like a deserve a party and just don't want a fuss. However, I have specifically asked for no one to bring gifts and if people would like to make a donation to the Alzheimer's Association that would be great.......perhaps there is an upside to this! I know they mean well and I appreciate the thought......I am just not very comfortable with it. I guess I have about a month to get used to the idea and we'll see what happens. I'm sure you will be reading more about this as we get closer and I get more anxious!

Confusing

There's a lot going on in my life right now and it is overwhelming to me. It's at times like this that I'm not sure my medicine is working, but I know it must be or I probably wouldn't be able to function.

I keep thinking that "once I get past this weekend" or "once I finish this project" I'll feel better and I probably will -- it's just that all of those "things" seem to be coming at me at once.

My son graduates from Georgia Tech this weekend at the top of his class. And, he did it in three years. Pretty amazing -- he is a pretty amazing kid. You can imagine how proud I am of him. My brothers are coming to visit for the graduation and I'm really happy about that. On the other hand, I'm nervous because it is out of my routine and I don't do so well with new things. But having my family around me makes a difference and I can get through one of the proudest moments of my life so far.

Change

Yes, I know it has been awhile. Writing in this blog is harder than I thought it would be. I've been thinking alot about change lately. Change is inevitable I know, but sometimes you don't notice it until it comes at you in big chunks. Change is sometimes good, sometimes bad. Change affects many people. And changes in other people's lives affect our lives. In the past week and in the weeks and months ahead, these things have or will be happening --- my son will be graduating from college, I will be retiring, a dear friend is moving several states away, another friend has just dealt with a scare from cancer, and another friend is running for political office. That's a lot of change.

It's been Great

having three days off of work. I feel so much better when I don't work. The pressure and the constant "drain on my brain" takes such a toll on me. We were off on Good Friday and then I had the weekend. I didn't do much and I probably should have, but I didn't. On Friday I did run some errands and had a little bit of a hard time doing them myself, but I paced myself and I didn't do everything I wanted to, but I was proud of what I did get done. They are doing a lot of construction work around our neighborhood and it gets me very confused because everything looks different. So, I try to avoid that area as much as possible. It's weird how something that simple can throw me off. It's back to work now -- only a few more months left. I'm making more mistakes at work -- that's not a good thing. I feel like I have enough people watching over what I am doing now that if I do make a mistake someone will catch it. Let's hope so at least.

By myself

I'm "home alone" for a few days as my husband is traveling on business. It's been awhile since I have been home alone. I know my husband worries about me while he is gone -- that I take my pills, that I remember to feed the cats, etc. As long as I stay on my schedule and don't wander from my routine too much I'm o.k. I don't go far from home though! I have plenty to keep me busy around the house. I just hate the thought of anyone having to worry about me.