I'm having one of those days where I just feel helpless. Not helpless as far as myself goes, but in being able to help others. In my post on January 18th, I wrote about my friend's fiancee. Tomorrow he faces a huge surgery and I'm very concerned about him. You can read about him here http://www.caringbridge.org/cb/inputSiteName.do?method=search&siteName=bradplain. Please keep him in your prayers and thoughts, tomorrow is a big day. I feel helpless in there isn't much I can do for my friend Lauren. I guess it bothers me much more because she and Brad are about the same age as Alan. But, they are strong and they will get through this one way or another. I wish I could help.
It is also times like this that I wish I was doing more to help others. I sometimes don't go out of the house for days and wonder why I am wasting my time. I need to change my ways.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Bad days
Well, I had one of my bad days today -- and it is barely noon!
Just about every morning I get up and go work out at the gym. It's about 1 1/2 miles away from our house. And, every morning I go to the gym the same way. This morning, though, instead of turning right out of my driveway I turned left. You can get to the gym by going left it just takes a little longer. But, when I realized that I wasn't going the "right way" to the gym, I became extremely disoriented and lost. I could not figure out how to get to the gym. So I drove back home and started all over, went the correct way out of the driveway and got to the gym.
After going to the gym I decided to stop at Wal-Mart and pick up one item. I drove down to Wal-Mart and when I walked in the store I realized that all kinds of things had been moved around and there were thirty or forty carts filled with merchandise that the employees were rearranging. I immediately had a panic attack -- because what I was seeing was "not right" -- it wasn't the same way it was in my head and I didn't know what to do. I froze in place. I literally could not move my feet. It was like I was scared of something. The only other time I felt like that was when I was in Arizona climbing some rocks and I saw a rattlesnake. I was so terrified I could not move. Back to Wal-Mart. I did my deep breathing exercises and tried to relax. I relaxed enough that I could walk right back out of the store and go home. I usually have a problem going into Wal Mart anyway -- it is sensory overload to me. About the only time I can go is between 6 and 7 in the morning when it is relatively quiet and there are not many people around -- but obviously not today!
By now, I should realize when these things happen to me I just need to come home and stay at home. But, I had a long list of things to do and after getting settled down a bit I looked over the list and crossed a few things off to save for another day. I decided to try a couple more places. Back to the car and off to the Post Office.
When I was in the Post Office two people came up to me and were talking to me. They both called me by name and chatted to me as if we were long lost friends, but I have no idea who they were or how they knew me. I am always embarassed to ask people who they are but I shouldn't be. Recognizing people and remembering things about them has always been something I could do. My husband thinks that these might have been people that I have met recently therefore I can't remember them as easily. It is so frustrating because this is something that I was always so good at.
I was able to make one more stop before heading home. When I got home, I walked in the kitchen and the kitchen floor was a mess. It's obviously been that way for a few days but I just cried because it was so dirty. I couldn't figure out how to clean it. I swept the dirt,but it didn't come up and then I couldn't figure out what to do next. I cried some more. How silly -- but uncontrollable nonetheless. I called my husband and asked him if when he came home tonight he could clean the kitchen floor. I'm not sure in my whole life I have ever fretted over having a dirty kitchen floor!
Tomorrow is another day.
Just about every morning I get up and go work out at the gym. It's about 1 1/2 miles away from our house. And, every morning I go to the gym the same way. This morning, though, instead of turning right out of my driveway I turned left. You can get to the gym by going left it just takes a little longer. But, when I realized that I wasn't going the "right way" to the gym, I became extremely disoriented and lost. I could not figure out how to get to the gym. So I drove back home and started all over, went the correct way out of the driveway and got to the gym.
After going to the gym I decided to stop at Wal-Mart and pick up one item. I drove down to Wal-Mart and when I walked in the store I realized that all kinds of things had been moved around and there were thirty or forty carts filled with merchandise that the employees were rearranging. I immediately had a panic attack -- because what I was seeing was "not right" -- it wasn't the same way it was in my head and I didn't know what to do. I froze in place. I literally could not move my feet. It was like I was scared of something. The only other time I felt like that was when I was in Arizona climbing some rocks and I saw a rattlesnake. I was so terrified I could not move. Back to Wal-Mart. I did my deep breathing exercises and tried to relax. I relaxed enough that I could walk right back out of the store and go home. I usually have a problem going into Wal Mart anyway -- it is sensory overload to me. About the only time I can go is between 6 and 7 in the morning when it is relatively quiet and there are not many people around -- but obviously not today!
By now, I should realize when these things happen to me I just need to come home and stay at home. But, I had a long list of things to do and after getting settled down a bit I looked over the list and crossed a few things off to save for another day. I decided to try a couple more places. Back to the car and off to the Post Office.
When I was in the Post Office two people came up to me and were talking to me. They both called me by name and chatted to me as if we were long lost friends, but I have no idea who they were or how they knew me. I am always embarassed to ask people who they are but I shouldn't be. Recognizing people and remembering things about them has always been something I could do. My husband thinks that these might have been people that I have met recently therefore I can't remember them as easily. It is so frustrating because this is something that I was always so good at.
I was able to make one more stop before heading home. When I got home, I walked in the kitchen and the kitchen floor was a mess. It's obviously been that way for a few days but I just cried because it was so dirty. I couldn't figure out how to clean it. I swept the dirt,but it didn't come up and then I couldn't figure out what to do next. I cried some more. How silly -- but uncontrollable nonetheless. I called my husband and asked him if when he came home tonight he could clean the kitchen floor. I'm not sure in my whole life I have ever fretted over having a dirty kitchen floor!
Tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Patience
I have started this post many times and didn't finish it. I was afraid that those of you that read this blog will think I am writing about you -- and then I realized that the people I am going to write about probably don't read this blog so it doesn't matter anyway! So, if you are reading this -- it isn't about you.
I have very little patience these days. I don't think I ever really had a lot to begin with but I thought over the years I had gotten better. I don't know if my lack of patience these days is because of my Alzheimer's or my just getting older (yes, Carol you will be there one day too!).
But, I get so frustrated these days by some of my so called friends who just take things for granted because they think they can. I'm much less tolerant of these people, because life is just too short!
On another note, a friend of mine's fiancee was in a very serious ski accident in Colorado. He is showing some positive signs now, but he has a very long recovery ahead of him. He has a great deal of reconstructive surgery on his face ahead of him, and they are not sure of the extent of any brain damage he may have suffered quite yet. He was taken off the ventilator yesterday and is breathing on his own. That's a great sign -- and he has shown movement in his limbs. He had been in a medically induced coma for several days after being airlifted out of the ski slope in Denver. My friend and he just got engaged over Christmas. They have a very long road ahead of them. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.
After hearing the news of this accident, I realized how much I miss my son these days. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but there are days when he seems millions of miles away. When he initially left for college five years ago my husband was very upset about him leaving and seemed to miss him much more than I did. Now, that seems to be reversed. My husband now sees him as the adult he is and he has his own life. But, as a mother, I guess I will always look at him as "my little boy" (don't all mothers?) and wish he was at least closer to home. I guess I become more realistic as to what "good time" I have left to share with my family.
I have very little patience these days. I don't think I ever really had a lot to begin with but I thought over the years I had gotten better. I don't know if my lack of patience these days is because of my Alzheimer's or my just getting older (yes, Carol you will be there one day too!).
But, I get so frustrated these days by some of my so called friends who just take things for granted because they think they can. I'm much less tolerant of these people, because life is just too short!
On another note, a friend of mine's fiancee was in a very serious ski accident in Colorado. He is showing some positive signs now, but he has a very long recovery ahead of him. He has a great deal of reconstructive surgery on his face ahead of him, and they are not sure of the extent of any brain damage he may have suffered quite yet. He was taken off the ventilator yesterday and is breathing on his own. That's a great sign -- and he has shown movement in his limbs. He had been in a medically induced coma for several days after being airlifted out of the ski slope in Denver. My friend and he just got engaged over Christmas. They have a very long road ahead of them. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.
After hearing the news of this accident, I realized how much I miss my son these days. I know they have nothing to do with each other, but there are days when he seems millions of miles away. When he initially left for college five years ago my husband was very upset about him leaving and seemed to miss him much more than I did. Now, that seems to be reversed. My husband now sees him as the adult he is and he has his own life. But, as a mother, I guess I will always look at him as "my little boy" (don't all mothers?) and wish he was at least closer to home. I guess I become more realistic as to what "good time" I have left to share with my family.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Finally, a New Post
I apologize for not posting in awhile. I think of things during the day to write about and then I either forget, or realize that noboday wants to hear about that anyway! So, I promised myself that I would post something today even if this is all it was!
It is extemely warm down here for this time of year (70 degrees) and I think that kind of has my mood messed up because "it's not normal". It is suppose to get a little cooler this weekend and then maybe I will feel better.
Yesterday, I went to Atlanta and met a very nice lady that has early on-set Alzheimer's. She was a real delight to get to know and we bonded instantly. I certainly hope that we can continue seeing each other and "comparing notes".
My son is taking his first set of final exams for law school. His last one is today and then he will have a little break. I'll be glad when this is over for him and he can get a gauge on how he is doing. His girlfriend started a new job this week. So, a few changes for them right now.
Well, the mind is a little slow today so will close for now. I'll try to do better!
It is extemely warm down here for this time of year (70 degrees) and I think that kind of has my mood messed up because "it's not normal". It is suppose to get a little cooler this weekend and then maybe I will feel better.
Yesterday, I went to Atlanta and met a very nice lady that has early on-set Alzheimer's. She was a real delight to get to know and we bonded instantly. I certainly hope that we can continue seeing each other and "comparing notes".
My son is taking his first set of final exams for law school. His last one is today and then he will have a little break. I'll be glad when this is over for him and he can get a gauge on how he is doing. His girlfriend started a new job this week. So, a few changes for them right now.
Well, the mind is a little slow today so will close for now. I'll try to do better!
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Happy New Year
It's New Year's Eve and all is quiet. Alan went out to lunch with a friend. Ralph is in St. Louis -- his sister-in-law passed away a couple of days ago and he drove up for the funeral. This was his brother Tom's wife and it is very tragic. Not only to pass away at the holidays but to pass away so young -- she was in her late 50's and had cancer. She got extremely ill very quickly.
So, it has been a bittersweet holiday. It has been nice having Alan home -- since he has been studying for final exams we haven't been doing a lot. He has been very very good and staying in his room and studying. It's very hard for me to not go into his room when he is studying and I have probably interrupted him more times than I should have!
But, because he has been so "quiet" I have found this holiday to not be too bad. Usually we are doing a lot more and I get more tired. But, this has been a good one on that side of things.
Well, I guess while the house is quiet I'll try to retire for a nap. I really notice a difference when I don't get my rest.
Hope everyone has a great new year!
So, it has been a bittersweet holiday. It has been nice having Alan home -- since he has been studying for final exams we haven't been doing a lot. He has been very very good and staying in his room and studying. It's very hard for me to not go into his room when he is studying and I have probably interrupted him more times than I should have!
But, because he has been so "quiet" I have found this holiday to not be too bad. Usually we are doing a lot more and I get more tired. But, this has been a good one on that side of things.
Well, I guess while the house is quiet I'll try to retire for a nap. I really notice a difference when I don't get my rest.
Hope everyone has a great new year!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Holidays
I promise to write much more soon -- this was taken on Christmas Day.
Hope everyone had a great holiday.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Christmas Time
It's a few days before Christmas and all through our house it is pretty quiet. Alan is home and studying hard since his finals are January 4th. What a great way to spend your Christmas vacation. Ralph is taking some time off while Alan is home. We are trying to visit with friends when we can and relax at the same time. Alan's girlfriend, Jennifer and her parents and sister are coming over for dinner on Christmas as well as some other friends. That's what Christmas is about -- spending time with those you care for and all of these people are as close to family as we can get down here in the South. I miss being with my family in Illinois, but maybe some year we will try to do that.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and I'll post again soon -- I promise!
I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and I'll post again soon -- I promise!
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Funny things
It's hard to admit doing stupid things -- I certainly have my share of that lately. I think that I need to stop trying to cook when others are not in the house. On Friday, I decided to try to make some cookies. I got out my ingredients and turned the oven on. A few minutes later there was smoke coming from the oven --- when I opened it I found that I had but the sticks of butter in the oven when I got them out! I had a real mess on my hands. That's what happens when I try to do things when I'm tired. A friend of mine who has Alzheimer's once told me that her smoke detector was her kitchen timer! At least I caught it before the smoke detector went off -- I did think to turn the fan on to get rid of the smoke.
In England, I had one day where I could not remember where I had been the day before. I tried and tried and got so frustrated. We were doing so much, and eventually, with a little prodding from my husband I remembered parts of my day. I guess that is why it isn't a good idea for me to travel by myself.
In England, I had one day where I could not remember where I had been the day before. I tried and tried and got so frustrated. We were doing so much, and eventually, with a little prodding from my husband I remembered parts of my day. I guess that is why it isn't a good idea for me to travel by myself.
More On England
This is my first attempt at putting photos in my blog so you will have to forgive my sideways
photo of the Canterbuy Cathedral -- I can't figure out how to change it! If my son is reading this, perhaps he can fix it!
The top photo is me in the small town of Sandwich -- it was a very quaint town, but you can see that the streets are very narrow. I didn't like going down them in the big double decker bus!
The second photo was taken in Whitstable, a town on the North Sea -- these little "beach houses" that are behind Pody, Rick and I are owned by people that have boats on the North Sea to house equipment, change their clothes and just to hang out in while they are at the North Sea. The amazing thing is that they cost $20,000 in American money -- and we don't think that includes the land!
The third phot is the Archbishop of Canterbury talking with Father Christmas. Father Christmas was much more popular than the Archbishop. See post below for more on that! Then the photo of the Canterbury Cathedral.
The last photo is of Pody and I with a volunteer in the Royal Navy Lifesaving Institute (I think I remembered the name correctly) -- anyway he had just finished a training mission in Whitstable -- they volunteer to do lifesaving tasks on the North Sea. He kindly let Pody wear his hat and pose for a photo with us.
I have more photos but since this is my first venture I'm going to see how this works out.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Britain
Well, we are back from a wonderful trip to England. We spent most of our time with our friends, Pody and Rick from Illinois. Pody is teaching in Canterbury this semester and what a lovely city. It reminded me of going to a Renaissance Festival. It was so beautiful. The Canterbury Cathedral is just a five minute walk from Pody's apartment and it is so amazing.
Pody got us tickets to a Christmas Carol concert at the Cathedral one night and it was a candlelight service with their boy's choir singing. You can just imagine how that was. And on Saturday morning, there was a Christmas parade and Father Christmas met the Archbishop of Canterbury at the end of the processional. Then there were carols and a small ceremony. Father Christmas garnered much more attention than the Archbishop. The amazing thing that Pody and I both noticed was that if this had been done in America there would have been security all over the place with barricades and crowd control. But not the case in Canterbury. The parade was not what we think of as a parade here -- it is hard to describe but soon I will post some photos on the blog. But the meeting of the Archbishop is a big deal and there was no one "protecting" him or security. And, Pody and I actually got to speak with him....which was even more amazing. Pody had greetings for him from the University of Illinois where the Archbiship had a god daughter that attended there. Someone casually said to Pody before she left Illinois, if you ever see the Archbishop send him our regards. Well, who ever thought that would happen but it did!
I guess the funny thing to me was that when I was in England over 30 years ago, I stayed with some friends in Manchester. They had a dinner to go to in London and they took me along and at the dinner was the Archbishop of Canterbury. I had no idea who he even was (I was only 18 and pretty ignorant about all that stuff) and I got to meet him and talk with him. I wasn't real impressed at the time because I really didn't know anything about the Church and all of that stuff! It is a different Archbishop now, but to think that my path crossed with the Archbishop's twice is something I would have never thought would happen.
Pody has been sick with a cold and I felt bad as she and her husband played host since she was sick, she should have been getting some rest.
I did o.k. -- got tired but we did a lot and that was to be expected. There is more to tell and I will at another post with promised pictures. I just wanted to give you a quick post and let you know that we have returned. I'm anxious to share our adventure with you.
Kris
Pody got us tickets to a Christmas Carol concert at the Cathedral one night and it was a candlelight service with their boy's choir singing. You can just imagine how that was. And on Saturday morning, there was a Christmas parade and Father Christmas met the Archbishop of Canterbury at the end of the processional. Then there were carols and a small ceremony. Father Christmas garnered much more attention than the Archbishop. The amazing thing that Pody and I both noticed was that if this had been done in America there would have been security all over the place with barricades and crowd control. But not the case in Canterbury. The parade was not what we think of as a parade here -- it is hard to describe but soon I will post some photos on the blog. But the meeting of the Archbishop is a big deal and there was no one "protecting" him or security. And, Pody and I actually got to speak with him....which was even more amazing. Pody had greetings for him from the University of Illinois where the Archbiship had a god daughter that attended there. Someone casually said to Pody before she left Illinois, if you ever see the Archbishop send him our regards. Well, who ever thought that would happen but it did!
I guess the funny thing to me was that when I was in England over 30 years ago, I stayed with some friends in Manchester. They had a dinner to go to in London and they took me along and at the dinner was the Archbishop of Canterbury. I had no idea who he even was (I was only 18 and pretty ignorant about all that stuff) and I got to meet him and talk with him. I wasn't real impressed at the time because I really didn't know anything about the Church and all of that stuff! It is a different Archbishop now, but to think that my path crossed with the Archbishop's twice is something I would have never thought would happen.
Pody has been sick with a cold and I felt bad as she and her husband played host since she was sick, she should have been getting some rest.
I did o.k. -- got tired but we did a lot and that was to be expected. There is more to tell and I will at another post with promised pictures. I just wanted to give you a quick post and let you know that we have returned. I'm anxious to share our adventure with you.
Kris
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