Not The Best of Days

It's hard for me to write about my bad days even though I know that many of you like to hear the good and bad. I had a really busy week last week and definitely over did it. I try to pace myself but I'm not very good at it sometimes. I was so tired after doing too much. On Saturday morning I tried to do a task of organizing things and getting them into piles -- pretty easy stuff. It took me three hours and then asking my husband for help, to do a job that should have taken at most about 20 minutes. It's so frustrating. I just need to not put myself in those situations -- or manage my time better. I keep saying to myself "if I can just get past Wednesday, or Thursday or whatever"....but sometimes it just doesn't seem to end. I have got to do better.

And, I get in a panic too easily. A panick attack came on over the weekend out of the blue and I hate that. I didn't leave the house all weekend. Not fair to my husband when he wants to do stuff -- but I don't know that I can do anything about it. The doctor said if they got too bad that he would give me some medicine, but I just don't want to take any more medicine.

We have a trip to England coming up in a few weeks. I am very very anxious to go but at the same time a little worried about the crowds and the confusion. I'm looking to my husband to take the lead and to help me -- he will if I ask him to, but he really needs to do it this time without me having to ask him to. He has got to take charge (something he is not used to) or he will probably have a pretty hysterical wife on his hands!

Learning New Things

Learning new things is difficult to someone that has Alzheimer's. Your brain just can't process things like it used to. Today I was doing something around the house and came across a task that I hadn't done in quite awhile. So, I decided to tackle it. I'm not going to say what is was because it was really quite trivial and it will make me sound stupid. But, for the life of me I couldn't remember how to do it and the directions just didn't make sense. Frustration is not even a word that can relate to how I felt. After a few tears about it I left it alone. I then came back to it with not much more success. How incompetent this can make you feel. It's hard for me to accept that I just can't do certain things anymore. Perhaps I'll try again later.

Halloween Memories

It's funny what you remember and what your kids remember about certain things. Years ago when I would take Alan trick or treating, he would come home with way too much candy. Because I didn't want him consuming all that candy at once, and because I didn't want him turning out short and fat like me, I decided to ration his candy. After an initial indulgence, I would let him pick out one piece of candy a day until it was all gone. (I know this sounds harsh). Years later Alan shared with me how he would lay awake at night trying to decide what piece of candy he wanted the next day. And, sometime Ralph or I would help ourselves to some of his candy, and when he went to get that piece of candy that he had yearned for it wasn't there -- wasn't I awful? Who knew it meant that much to him. He never said anything at the time. Now, this is what he is up to on Halloween -- http://www.stanford.edu/~bakowski/blog/index.html

I'm sorry Alan.

California and Back

Well, the trip to California is now history. It was a great trip -- the weather was great and seeing Alan (and Jennifer) was even greater. I forget how much I miss Alan when I don't see him. It seems like it was harder for me to leave this time, than it was for me to see him leave on his trip out there. It's hard to imagine that he is his own man now, not relying on his parents and making his way for himself. I know that is what we raise them for, but it's hard to see that happen sometimes.

We spend Alan's 22nd birthday with him. It was nice to be able to spend it together. We spent the day walking around the Stanford campus, Ralph and Alan played some tennis, we went out for dinner and came back to their apartment for cake and presents. The weather was so beautiful.

On Saturday we went up to San Francisco and went to Golden Gate Park and to the Japanese Tea Garden there. It was really pretty. Then we went to the Presidio and took a hiking trail. We didn't go down to the tourist spots on Fisherman's Wharf because we had been there before. We were searching for new places to explore. I had a hard time that day because I kept forgetting where we were. Later in the day, I just realized that it didn't matter where I was but that I was with my family and that is all that mattered.

I don't think I could ever get used to living on the Pacific Coast in Pacific Time Zone. It is just not right to be watching football in the morning! All of the live ESPN programming ran at it's usual time on Eastern time, but it is three hours earlier out there so football games that start at noon show in California at 9:00 a.m. --- that's just not right. The prime time programming on the major networks is held back, but it is still odd.

I'm still somewhat jet lagged. I think I stayed in CA long enough to get used to their time, only to come back and have to get readjusted to our time. So, as I remember more, I will write more.

All in all -- it was a good trip.

The Weekend

Well the Memory Walk is over. It was a great day weather wise and we are hopefully going to come close to our goal of $50,000. It will be close but we are keeping our fingers crossed. It was an exhausting day after setting up the night before, walking the 3 miles and tearing everything down after the walk. Luckily, we had a fraternity on the UGA campus helping us and they was a huge help. They are much younger than we are! Thanks again to everyone that donated to the cause!

But the walk took a toll on me. I was really tired and didn't have a good day today (Monday). I went out to run some errands but just got too confused -- partly I think because I was still tired. A good long nap this afternoon helped clear my fuzzy brain a little.

We are going to visit Alan on Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it. I know it will be a hard trip for me but I need to see my son. It's been almost two months that he has been gone and it's time to see him. His birthday is Friday and I'm glad we will get a chance to be with him. It's kind of an insignificant number (22) but it's a birthday just the same. It's nice to be with family on your birthday. I really missed him on mine a week or so ago.

So, when we return I hope I have great things to tell you about the trip. I just have to pace myself and try not to get too tired. Although I've been to California a couple of times, it is still not that familiar to me to feel comfortable. At least I won't be alone.

Memory Walk

Our Memory Walk is tomorrow and I would like to thank everyone again who donated to the cause. The generosity of everyone has been overwhelming to me. I really appreciate everything! The weather looks like it is going to be nice and that's a good thing! I'll write more after the walk and before we take off next week to see Alan at Stanford. Thanks again everyone.

A Milestone of Sorts

On Sunday, I turn 50 years old....a milestone in most people's books. But as I get older I feel how much I am regressing (I hope that is the right word) into a world that is unknown to me. Some days I feel as young as a five year old, when I can't do simple tasks like sorting shapes and objects. Other days I feel more than my age with my aches and pains of getting older and being out of shape.

We all "have our days" I guess, but as I look into the future I see more dark days than light ones. And, since the concept of age is all in our minds, you can only imagine what type of a concept I have in mine.

This and That

This past weekend my husband and I went to the mountains in northeast Georgia with a friend whose family has a cabin up there. This was our second trip and it is so peaceful up there. It was much cooler up there and it was a nice break from the heat we have been experiencing. It's nice to get away even for a day or so. I was bothered by panic attacks while there and I was surprised by that -- I don't know if it was because I was in a somewhat unfamiliar place or not -- but I got through it.

I've been working a lot on the Memory Walk which is October 15th. I don't think I can be on the organizing committee next year, as it is taking way too much out of me. I can only imagine what next year would be like for me if I continue. But, there are many people that are stepping forward and it will certainly be in good hands.

I was doing a radio interview this week for the walk. And, the show's host is a friend of mine. She said something at the end of the interview that made me pause. She told me that since my diagnosis so many people in the community have been pulling for me and that I have so many people who care about me that I am blessed. I know that and I appreciate everyone. But sometimes it takes someone to remind you how blessed you are. Thanks to everyone.

Finally......

a way to express what happens with a lot of noise -- many of you know how distracting it is to me with lots of noise around me and how difficult it is for me to concentrate. It is hard for me to put into words but I found this article this morning and it makes me feel better -- http://my.webmd.com/content/article/112/110336.htm

Unititled

I couldn't think of a title for this post -- so for now "untitled" is what it will be. It has been one of those weeks -- things not quite synching in the way they should. I have been so unmotivated this week -- I think mainly because I have been unable to focus and get things into perspective. It isn't that I dont' have a lot that I can be doing -- I just can't seem to get there. My medicines have been acting up on me -- making me sick to my stomach. I've been trying to lose weight again and I think my lower caloric intake is upsetting my stomach with the medicine. But, I'm going to try to work through it and hopefully it will get better. It is always something isn't it? But, it has been hard for me to concentrate this week and getting anything accomplished has been a chore. Some weeks are like that. Hopefully, I'll have a better outlook soon. It's very frustrating to know that you have things to be doing and just can't quite figure out how to get them done! It's like I don't know what I am suppose to be doing and I need someone to draw me a map. Then I think I could follow it.